Count backwards from ten
by SnowMuncher
Summary: AU-non magic HP/DM slash. - University student Draco finds himself living at rock-bottom. Fighting what seems like a never ending battle against both anxiety and depression, he is desperate. Pretty much everything appears pointless, until Harry turns up in his life. Warning for smut, slash, angst, self harm.
1. Chapter 1

AU-non magic HP/DM slash. - University student Draco finds himself living at rock-bottom. Fighting what seems like a never ending battle against both anxiety and depression, he is desperate. Trying to stay clean from self harm with the only help coming from his friend across the Atlantic, 7 hours time difference doesn't make the situation ideal. Pretty much everything appears pointless, until Harry turns up in his life. Warning for Smut, slash, angst, self harm.

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: It wasn't long ago I finished a very long Drarry fic and had decided not to write for a while, but, its been a few weeks and I miss it terribly! So here I am, trying to get a first chapter together that's some what representable, why is it always so hard? If you ever feel like dropping a review it'll always be highly appreciated.**

**As always with my fanfic's I'd like to apologise in advance for any weird or extremely random sentences and/or words in the story. English is not my native language and this has not been proof read by any betas, however I hope you are able to overlook the fact and enjoy yourself!**

**This chapter is dedicated to you lovie xxx**

Chapter 1

"I can't... I can't... I can't." I chanted, pacing back and forth across my bedroom floor, tears flooding down my cheeks. Tonight had simply been too much, one month clean, but for what? My hands were tightly closed around my mobile phone and a sharp pair of tweezers that I had found in the bathroom. The tweezers wasn't going to do any serious damage, I had mainly picked them up with the intention to use them as some kind of threat to myself, rather than actually use them as a tool to hurt myself.

_I am going to cave in! _

I pressed the enter symbol in our chat window on my phone before glancing at the time. One in the morning, that would be about 6pm her time. /Please don't be napping... please... please.../ I chanted in my head. Five minutes passed without a response, I kept refreshing the window, but nothing.

_You're strong, write it out! Take it out on a character!_

I knew what she meant and the thought had of course already crossed my mind, it was how I had sustained a whole month without going bonkers. By taking one of my fictional characters that my friend and I had created together, and let him lash out instead of me. I would get an outlet for my bottled up emotions without any permanent damage, which in due course would lead to more anxiety, guilt and self loath.

_It's different this time, I really feel like I have to, I really feel that unless I actually cut, I wont feel happy... I need to make sure I still remember what it feels like... what pain feels like. I feel all muddled up on the inside, I cant breath and I just need some relief. _

I felt bad, I hated to admit how I was feeling but she was the only person in the world that understood where I was coming from. She was the only one that wouldn't tell me to get myself locked up and drugged until I hardly knew my own name. She would support me no matter what. Although I did feel like the lousiest friend ever, from time to time, or most of the time actually. I know that I was being really clingy, probably borderline to suffocating, and most of the times she had to listen to me complaining about my life over and over again. That wasn't completely true of course, but thats exactly how I felt when I was being extra demanding and needy as a friend. I called her lovie, because I love her. Well, I don't love her in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way, I love her for being her, I love her as a person. She was my person.

_I've been struggling all night, its all I can think about... But I cant stop thinking that I have managed a month and if I had to start again, counting my clean days from zero, it would be such failure._

I didn't wait for her to reply before sending my message. But she was quick to respond this time.

_Absolutely not :) There is no so such thing as failure when struggling with depression! I am proud of each day you don't hurt yourself and I will still love you even if you do :) some times life gets hard and it's something we need to feel better. It doesn't make you weak or a failure okay? It makes you human :)_

I had to read her words three times, I knew she was incredible and I had never doubted that her love for me was mutual to the one I felt for her, but her words had still silenced me.

_Are you going to be okay? I have to go in to my exam now, it starts in a few minutes... Stupid people scheduling a final at 6.30pm! _

I smiled at her message.

_I'll be fine, I think I'll go for a walk or something. Good luck gorgeous, I know you'll do so well! Love you 3_

She replied by telling me that she loved me and that I should try to get some sleep. I knew that sleep was a far fetched reality right now but I did feel a little bit better after our conversation. My phone slid out from between my fingers and landed with a thump on the carpeted floor, with the tweezers still tightly wrapped up in my palm I sunk down on to my computer chair.

"You'll regret it". I whispered even though there was no one but myself present in the room. "You will have to hide it for weeks unless you can come up with a good excuse." I hated it when I started talking out loud to myself, I felt that talking to yourself was substantial proof that you were going loony, yet I found it really hard not to. I kept trying to convince myself that it would do more harm than good but that voice in my head just wouldn't shut up.

"What if you forget what it feels like?" I ignored it. "You might never be able to feel happy again unless you remember what pain feels like." I closed my eyes and started to rock from side to side, humming, desperately trying to shut the voice out. "All you have to do is cut once... then you'll know". I hummed louder. "You'll be able to breath properly." I was now humming so loudly that I was sure my neighbouring flatmates would hear me. "You know I am right." Cut. I dug the sharp ends of the tweezers in to the underside of my arm and pulled hard and hastily across. The gasp that followed was eminent and I could feel how the invisible belt that had been buckled too tightly around my chest came undone. For minutes I just sat there, eyes shut, breathing. In, out... in, out...

"Shit." I muttered, examining the damage. The harm done wasn't too severe but it did require some taking care of, so I slowly dawdled in to the bathroom before steering my feet towards the front door. Our flat was quiet. As far as I could recall I hadn't heard the tv for at least two hours or so, so I assumed they had all gone to bed. It was after all the final week before Christmas and everyone was really getting their heads down in to their books.

The cool air felt fantastic in my lungs, the effect from my affair with the tweezers hadn't wore of yet, leaving me feeling light as a feather. It surprised me to find the streets so empty, normally there'd always be someone staggering home from a night at the pub. And it wasn't until I reached the park a few hundred meters from the university that I met someone else. The guy was a bit shorter than me but not by much, he was walking in the opposite direction so when we crossed paths I got a second to mentally take notes of what he looked like but it was really quite hard in the dark. Although the light was deceptive I could see that he wore round glasses and had a hairstyle that to me came across as untidy, whether it was black or dark brown I couldn't tell though. The unnamed bloke also happened to have a very pleasant but tired smile, and I only knew this because he had shot me a small but crooked one along with a nod a few feet before we passed each other. I guessed the reason I had managed to remember his character so well was due to the fact that he was the only person I had encountered during my two hour long walk. Cold and exhausted I crawled in to my bed, fully dressed, lighter at heart than I had been for a month.

"Fuck off!" I whinged. Four hours sleep was certainly nothing to celebrate, but I had been prepared, six individual alarms set at a three minute interval was bound to wake me up, and they did. Thinking to myself that I simply had to change the pre-set alarm tone on my phone I stuffed it down my pocked and rolled out of bed. "This day is going to suck, big time." I sighed, all the good that I had felt last night was gone and left was that horrible murky feeling at the pit of my stomach, and the belt around my chest had also been tightened.

"One ginormously large and extremely strong black coffee, please." the girl taking my order didn't seem what so ever amused by my choice of measurements, but I didn't mean for it to be either, so it didn't really matter. I was charged for an extra large black coffee.

"Please wait over there." she pointed towards a counter where another girl was standing, busy dishing out other peoples orders. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long until my name was called, the girl handed me a large paper cup with my name on it and wished me a merry Christmas. But I hadn't so much as turned around and taken my first sip before a sickeningly sweet, caramel flavour ground me to a halt.

"I am sorry," I didn't know why I all of a sudden happened to be polite when I actually felt like shit and just wanted to shout in the skinny girls face that she had fucked up completely and totally ruined my day, but I guess I was too tired. "I have been given the wrong coffee."

"Oh, I am terribly sorry, what did you order?" she finished her question by giving me a _sorry we fucked up but I dont really care _smile.

"A ginormously large and extremely strong black coffee." I didn't smile.

"Wont be a moment." she disappeared behind the tall, cake-filled counter and less than a minute later a very familiar, bespectacled man showed up with a new cup in his hand. He seemed to recognise me too and after eyeing me down from top to toe he finally opened his mouth.

"I hope you haven't been outside all night?" at first I was confused, but soon realised that he must have recognised my clothes to be the same as last night, just a bit more scrunched up in places.

"No, I am just tired." I managed to squeeze out some kind of a smile, hoping I didn't look like a complete twat.

"I am glad to hear that..." he paused for half a second to look at my cup, "Draco.. I am Harry." he smiled and offered me his hand. I took it. I wasnt 100% sure whether the smile was sincere or just a corporate one but a part of me really hoped that he did mean it.

TBC,

Feel free to leave a review :)


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Because I didn't want the chat conversations to get too confusing when there was pure chat text and no actions or thoughts I have now added A: … and D: … in front of Draco and "lovie's" text. Further down in the chapter I have briefly added an explanation to why her letter is "A" :)**

**In case I don't manage to get another chapter up before Christmas day, merry Christmas to all of you and to all of those around you!**

**Happy reading.**

Chapter 2

It was only 4pm but night had already been to spread its blanket across the town outside my window. I had been lucky and really gotten away with hardly any sleep today, the huge coffee I had bought on the way to uni had just about kicked in as I walked through the doors to my first lecture of the day. Two hours later, as we were about to finished, we were informed that all lectures in the afternoon had been cancelled due to some kind of unforeseen incident that I for the life of me couldn't recall what it was, I was just as happy regardless.

"Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again." I hummed along with the music blurting out from the speakers next to my computer. My eyes were closed and I was running the fingers on my right hand along the scars on my left underarm. The bumps and the odd dent weren't simply visible fibrous connective tissue to me, they were each a story, a happening, a moment, a memory. It was as if I could relive those memories, numb and dim in a way, yet so clear that I was scared I'd never forget.

_Ash: Did you manage to get some sleep Draco?_

The familiar chat message sound snapped me back to reality.

_Draco: Yes I did /Ashley/. Why so formal with names and all today lovie?_

_A: Because I love your name, Draco, Draco, Draco!_

Her silly behaviour always made me laugh and today was no exception.

_D: Well, I took a walk... came home... haha, I fell asleep fully dressed and went to uni in the same, wrinkly stuff as yesterday. xD_

I intentionally avoided to mention the incident with the tweezers. She wouldn't be angry, or disappointed for that matter, she was just that fantastic. But, lately it felt like all I had been talking about was how shit I was feeling, how much most parts of my life sucked, how lonely I was and how much I wanted to hurt myself. She didn't deserve any of this and today I didn't want to be the one to shove more of my own shit on to her, enough was enough. I did feel bad for not telling her though.

_A: Good for you booboo! :) On a completely different note, can it be nap-time already!?_

I laughed, we sure did love our naps, it was actually one of our main topics, sleep. When was it okay to nap after waking up? How long did we have until I had to go to bed or she felt it was time for a nap. Normally I'd try to squeeze my nap in before she even woke up or whilst she was still in college, this was the best way to maximise sleep and the few hours we did get together. It was lucky that I was a night-lover. With night-lover I mean that I love to stay up all night, that's when I'd feel the most at peace. I loved my sleep, I truly did, but, yes there is a big BUT! I love long sleeps in the morning, preferably until noon, I loved a good old nap come 4 o'clock and I loved to sleep in general, but, here it comes, I genuinely hate going to bed at night! Don't ask me why, because I really don't know.

_D: It's way past nap time already! Oh! By the way! The weirdest thing ever happened to me this morning!_

I explained to her how I had walked past Harry, the guy with the glasses, last night during my walk and how he then had showed up, well, worked, at the coffee shop that I normally get my coffee at every morning on my way to university. The odd thing was, I had never actually noticed him in there before, fair enough, I don't really pay any attention to anyone until at least 20 minutes after I've finished that coffee but I am sure I would have at least seen him.

_A: Do you fancy him?_

God she was not going to beat around the bush today, was she?!

_D: Calm down you! _

I laughed to myself and continued writing.

_D: I have just met this guy once and it was a very brief encounter, how am I meant to know if he is the man of my dreams?_

I pressed send, and it was obvious that this was an interesting topic because she replied straight away.

_A: Twice! You've met him twice! And he doesn't have to be the man of your dreams, he could simply be a good shag!_

I shook my head with a grin on my face before responding.

_D: Am I that desperate that I have to try to grab hold of any man passing by now?_

_A: I just thought it might sheer you up... you know my opinion on sex. ;)_

_D: Any time, any where, any how... but not with any one ;) Yes, I do know the gist._

_A: That only applies to me because I got my Mr Gold! You still fall under the category where any one is applied._

_D: You're nuts!_

_A: You're a goose!_

I still didn't really get why she was calling me a goose from time to time. She had once claimed that it had something to do with my feathers?

_D: Jerk._

I pressed send already knowing what was coming my way.

_A: Bitch._

It never failed.

_D: Shouldn't you be in school by now?_

_A: Soon, I really need to get going. I'll talk to you later boo. Love you!_

_D: Love you hun._

And so she was gone again. It was weird how a person could light up my whole world just by being present in spirit, through words. My mother and father never had any more children, I am the only one, but I guessed that this was what it was like to have a sister, to love a sister.

I didn't do much that evening or night, procrastination was my favourite hobby, all those weird videos you could find online could easily keep me busy a whole lifetime. Although by the time Ash got out from school I had already passed out from exhaustion right across my bed.

I woke up the following morning with butterflies flapping around at the pit of my stomach.

"Please, I can't cope with you lot today!" I growled out loud. Depression was one thing, but when the worst part of my anxiety kicked in I walked around feeling constantly nervous and nauseas, and it was always so incredibly exhausting. It wasn't until I walked through the doors of 'the cool bean coffee shop' I realised what was going on and why I was feeling the way I was. The queue was extra long this tedious Friday morning, it was every ones final day before he holidays and I guessed that it wasn't just me lacking that extra boost required to get through the day. Thanks to the long queue I had a lot of time to scout for Harry, but all I could spot was girls, girls and women working today. Disappointment washed over me, and it truly did come as a surprise, I had no idea I actually wanted to bump in to him. Maybe Ash had been right after all, maybe I was a tad interested in him.

"A ginormously large and extremely strong black coffee." I spun around on the spot, nearly knocking the coffee out of the had of a woman passing by.

"Harry!" I said, surprised and happy.

"I think I have to tell management to add ginormously large to the size standards of coffee." he smiled.

"Why haven't I ever seen you in here before?" I knew it was an odd comeback to someone giving me a free coffee, thank you would definitely been more suitable, but I felt the need to know if I had simply been blind up until now. Harry chuckled before answering my question.

"I went to a different uni down south, but I wasn't really happy with the course so I am starting here after Christmas."

"That still doesn't explain what you're doing in here?" maybe it did but I still wanted to hear his version of everything.

"Yes it does!" he teased with a laugh but soon continued to explain. "As soon as I knew that this was going to be my new university I started applying for part time jobs and since I've previously worked in a coffee shop I pretty much bagged this one with my eyes shut."

"So I guess a welcome is in order." I smiled as wholeheartedly as I possibly could but I was so drained of energy I was afraid that it would look fake.

"Thank you, I really hope that I will like this uni more than my old one." he fell silent for a few seconds, but it really felt like he was going to or at least wanted to say something else. "Ehrr... so..." suddenly it seemed like all the self confidence he radiated earlier was gone, he seemed shy. "Are you going home for Christmas or will you be staying here?"

"I was initially planning on going home but in the end I figured it wasn't worth the journey. I don't mean that I dont want to see my parent, I do, but it's only the three of us, sometime my aunty is there but my father is busy with work all the time. I calculated that it would only be on the actual Christmas day that it'd be all of us together... and by not going home I dont have to face their questions about how school is going, how I am doing and yada, yada, yada." I smiled and shrugged. "How about you, are you going home?"

"Nah, I'll be here all Christmas as well. My parents aren't... around. The only family I've got close by is my uncle and aunt down south... and lets just say they aren't my cup of tea." the subject appeared to dampen his mood a little so I quickly came up with another question.

"Do you know anyone around here?"

"No, not really, only the girls here in the café."

"Maybe... if you feel up to it... perhaps... we could meet up or something... maybe... grab a coffee?" I laughed at my own shitty joke that just slipped out of me at the end. "I've got the flat all to myself from tonight onwards so we don't necessarily have to have coffee." I couldn't believe that I had actually had the guts to ask this guy for another meeting, never the less to my house!

"That would be awesome! Then maybe neither of us has to be alone on Christmas day after all." he smiled happily. We quickly swapped number after I had realised what time it was, said that we'd be in touch and see you soon before I disappeared out through the doors and off to my last class of the year. I was more exited than I had been for a long while, although the butterflies in my stomach was acting like they were high on ecstasy.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: I managed! Yay! Merry Christmas everyone!**

Chapter 3

_Hi Draco,_

_It's Harry... why did I write that? You obviously know that since I gave you my number, dork! Eh, anyway. Hoping I won't sound too keen or intruding but, what are you doing tonight?_

_/Harry_

Excitement and relief flooded my stomach, I had been busy all afternoon trying to figure out exactly how long was appropriate to wait before throwing myself at my phone to text him. Ash had unfortunately not been of very much help either as she was busy sitting through her last finals, normally she'd be my go to person. It was embarrassing to admit but I had even googled 'how long should I wait before I ask him out' and I had been faced with a whopping 350 million results and none of the ones I read through were the least helpful, so by him texting me, that problem was suddenly solved. Now, there was just the issue of coming up with a reply that didn't make me seem too excited, but on the other hand, he had already taken the whole keen step so maybe I shouldn't care too much? But it was hard. I was too self conscious, I always worried about what other people would think of me, even though they probably didn't give a rats fart about me, I cared about what they'd potentially think.

_Hi Harry, _

_I am not up to much, would you like to come by?_

_/Draco xx_

I had just pressed send when I realised what I had done. I had instinctively ended the text with a few x's, a few kisses, because most of the people I texted were girls and to them it meant just about as much as a bye bye. Harry on the other hand was not a girl, and, oh god, I couldn't even finish my train of thought. My heart was already beating faster, I could hear the swooshing sound of my blood ringing in my ears as it rushed through my veins, the palms of my hands broke out in a sweat and the room started to sway which meant that within seconds it'd be spinning. With one hand tightly gripping on to the end of the sofa I prepared to sit down, desperately trying to focus on my breathing but to no good, I was already hyperventilating. How could I have been so stupid! Through the haze of my panic attack and the self loathing comments echoing through my head I heard an angry beep, he'd replied.

_What's the address?_

_xx_

I had to read his message over and over again, and after about five or so minutes I had calmed down just about enough to be able to type down the address.

_I'll be there in about 20 min._

_xxx_

I nearly died a little from happiness when he had added an x in his last message but I tried to tell myself again and again that he most likely wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. Why would he? He was probably lonely and bored and remembered that I was alone too. That must be it. The next fifteen minutes was probably the most productive ones I've had in quite a few weeks, the flat actually seemed rather spotless as the doorbell rang.

"Hi." I smiled, shyly.

"Hi." he seemed shy too but returned my smile.

"Come in, it must be freezing outside!" I stepped aside whilst I eyed him up. Harry's nose was red, so were his cheeks, and the hair on his head, just as untidy as every. God he was actually really sexy. /Stop it you! He is a friend!/ I told myself silently. /And you didn't think he was this sexy the other night, its just your desperate cock talking!/ I smiled at him as he walked through the doorway.

"Stupid." I muttered to myself, /no one way conversations when in company!/, not realising I had said it out loud.

"What was that?" Harry turned around to look at me as he was hanging his coat up.

"Ehrr.. stupid that... it has to be so cold outside." I squirmed.

"Yeah, I guess that's winter for you." he laughed. "So this is where you live..."

"Yes, its my flat, well, my dads... he bought it... and three of my friends, Vince, Theo and Flora, rent from us but they have all gone home for Christmas. Flora left about two hours ago."

"It's really nice."

"Thanks... I don't mean to sound snobbish but my dad only wants high end things... high end everything." I laughed insecurely. I loved my dad dearly but living under the pressure of constantly having to be perfect, had become too much in the end.

"Sounds very luxurious to me. So where is the tv?"

"Through here." I took us back to the living room where I plunged straight down in the far corner of the sofa.

"Do you drink?" I hadn't noticed until now but Harry had brought a backpack with him and it did look a bit heavy.

"Do I drink? Does it rain in the rainforest? Of course I drink!" I grinned. "What kind of glasses do we need? Or are we downing it bottle style?"

"Vino!" Harry pulled out a bottle of white wine from the maroon coloured backpack before placing it on the floor.

"Since when did you become so posh?" just the sight of alcohol seemed to loosen my restraints a bit.

"Since when did you become so sarky?" he stuck his tongue out at me in a very childish manner.

"Lets skimp on the cleaning and take it straight from the bottle... unless you mind sharing?" I had to keep reminding myself, Harry is a friend, not a guy that's come for a one night stand.

"I really dont mind!" he landed on the sofa beside me. I noted very well how he sat down /next/ to me and not on the other side. Yes, it could have something to do with trying to make sharing a bottle easier but I couldn't help to hope.

I left Harry in the sofa as I went to the kitchen to open the bottle of vine, and whilst in there I took the opportunity to send Ash a message.

_D: Omg! Omg! Omg! He is here! on my sofa! _

I sent it, not expecting her to be online at this moment, but she was, and oh god was she quick at replying.

_A: ARE YOU HAVING SEX?!_

_D: No, lol! He just got here!_

_A: When are you going to have sex?_

_D: I don't know if we are, I don't know what's going on really! Eeek! I am going to chicken out anyway! I don't even know if he is straight or not :S_

_A: Could be both._

_D: He could be straight, bored and looking for a friend._

_A: He could be so fucking hard for you, you have no idea!_

_D: Exactly! I have no idea and its driving me insane! It's all your fault as well. I wasn't the least interested in anything or anyone, until /you/ missy started mentioning sex._

_A: Just go fuck him, okay! _

_A: Do it for me, if not for yourself! ;D_

"Is everything okay?" Harry looked at me where I was standing, frantically chatting with Ashley.

"Oh, eh, yeah. Sorry! My friend in America has the worst timing ever!" I laughed and put my phone back in my pocket, where I felt it vibrate about ten more times before giving up.

"Cheers!" Harry raised the vine bottle and nodded at me with a smile before wrapping his lips around its bottle's neck. I had to close my eyes for a second and discreetly shake my head to get rid of the sex-related images that had popped in to my head.

"Cheers!" the bottle top was still warm from Harry's lips when I pressed it against mine. The perfectly chilled wine felt so good going down my throat, warming my stomach, soothing the butterflies. "Just what I needed after this week." I smiled with a sigh. God there was a lot of smiling going on. An English comedian was keeping us entertained through the tv screen as we passed the bottle back and forth, and back and forth again. The more I drank, the less reasonable I could feel myself become. When only a few drops of the bottle remained I had to concentrate really hard on keeping my focused on the tv, it wasn't that I was severely drunk or so, no, my demons had arrived, of course. I tried to ignore the voices, the horrible things they were calling me, the dark thoughts coming on, the guilt of wanting Harry.

"What's going on in there?" Harry moved around on the sofa so he was facing me rather than the tv. Whilst asking the question he gently tapped me on my temple with his index finger.

"Lots of crap." I answered honestly. I was sometimes way to honest when tipsy, things didn't seem to matter as much then.

"Do I need to worry?"

"No." I raised my hand and tapped Harry three times on the nose. "You don't have to worry your pretty head about anything."

"So you think I look good?" he grinned.

"No... I mean yes... I mean-" Harry leaned forward and kissed me, straight on the lips and it sure did shut me up.

"I am just teasing you, dont worry."

"I... I... I didn't know... I didn't think..."

"That I'd be in to you? That I don't like guys?"

"Well, yes... that."

"Oh, I do... I wasn't sure of you though... as in... I wasn't sure you'd be interested..."

"Why wouldn't I?" I was confused, all along I had been so sure that he wasn't in to me but he had been thinking the same all along, but about me. God, why did life have to be so confusing at times?

"I thought that you'd maybe think that it was all... a bit rushy, I mean... we hardly know each other... I was scared you'd think I was pushing myself on to you."

"That's... pretty much what I was thinking too." we laughed together before I continued. "I really needed some cheering up so... thank you..."

"Can I kiss you again?" Harry whispered.

"Please." it was one of those tense moments where we both wanted the same thing, but none of us had the gut to make the first move. After a few seconds of awkwardness Harry leaned in towards me and our lips met for a second time. It wasn't fierce,brutal or disgusting in anyway, yet it felt like my lips were on fire. Harry tasted like a mix between the vine we had been drinking and something else that I couldn't really put my finger on, but what ever it was, I loved it. In my chest my heart was racing, I could feel my pulse hammer away at the end of my fingertips and the voices in my head had once and for all shut up.

TBC,

Feel free to leave a review :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: I am really on a roll at the moment. I think it has something to do with the fact that we're not home over the holidays and the only thing I can do in the evening is write :P**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 4

Harry had stayed a few hours after our first kiss, not much happened though. We watched some tv, I rustled up some bits to eat and we kissed a little bit more. Then we talked. It was mainly about shallow stuff like favourite shows on tv, films, shoe size, you name it, but nothing deep, nothing about my head. The last thing Harry had asked me before leaving was if I would like to follow him to the Christmas market in town the following day, and of course I did. I couldn't sleep that night, there was simply too much going through my head. It all started on a very high note, but as the hours passed they progressively declined until they were deep and dark.

"You still don't know anything about this guy, for all its worth he might just be after one thing and that one thing alone." I sighed. "But he seems so nice... so genuine!" I argued back at myself. "STOP. FUCKING. TALKING. TO. YOURSELF!" I shouted, slamming my fist in to the wall. The pain that surged through my hand and arm as it hit the wall seemed to take the edge of the raging storm inside ,so I punched, and punched again, and again, and again, and again. My knuckles were bleeding and the greater part of my fingers and fist were either covered in blood or badly bruised. In sheer panic I stared at the blood that slowly started to drip down from my hand and on to the bed spread. The panic hadn't been caused by the sight of my blood, or it had in a way, it was beautiful. Seeing myself bleed had always been one of my worst triggers. There was something within me that sparked to life when I saw the red tears run across my skin and then fall from me in large droplets. It urged me to do more harm, to release more tears.

"No, no, no!" I panted. "No Draco, no! You're strong!" I reached out and grabbed a nearby shirt to cover my hand with it. With my hand securely in my, now, blood stained top I glanced over to the wall. The concrete wall had of course not shifted a millimetre in any direction, the only sign of my abusive lash out was the blood that had been left behind. I tried to calm my breathing but nothing seemed to be doing the trick, and after about ten minutes of trying I gave up. "Pick up, please pick up..." the annoying sound that Skype made when calling another user was filling my now fairly silent room. "For fuck sakes!"

"Draco?" Ashley's worried face showed up on my monitor.

"Did you hear that?" I said, feeling a bit ashamed over my impatient behaviour.

"Yes." she smiled. "Sorry, I was asleep, it's midnight here you know." although I had woke her up she was still grinning.

"Sorry." I looked down at my lap where both my hands were laying, not so sure any more whether I should tell her or not, knowing that by telling her I would probably stop her from going back to sleep for at least another hour.

"What's happened?" the tone in her voice was soft and calming.

"Is it that obvious?"

"You're eyes are red, as if you have been crying or not slept at all, your normally oh-so-neat hair is all over the place and you're shaking." I hadn't noticed it until she pointed out that my body was shaking as if I was freezing cold.

"I really didn't mean to wake you." I felt so bad.

"Don't be ridiculous! That's what I am here for, to support you! You might just have to bug me a bit extra when am asleep." she smiled at me and blew me a kiss through the camera.

"I love you boo!"

"I love you too! Now, tell me what's going on!" I didn't feel that I had to say anything, showing her was more than enough, so I raised my hand and pulled the shirt that was covering the devastation off. "Oh Draco." her face dropped, but she didn't appear to be cross at all, her eyes were merely filled with pity.

"I didn't mean to... it just happened... and then I couldn't stop..." I hadn't cried all night but this was the point where the flood gates burst. "I don't know what's going on and I am so confused... I really like this guy... but I don't know what he wants... I don't know what I want... I don't know anything... I don't even know who I am..." I was sobbing so heavily that I couldn't see and I wasn't sure if Ashley actually could understand what I was saying.

"First of all, how is that hand feeling? Do you reckon anything is broken? Can you move your fingers?" I lifted my hand so she could see it and wiggled my fingers.

"Yes, they seem okay, just fucking hurt." I grinned a little.

"It probably will, for a while." she laughed briefly before continuing. "You are going to want to clean it up before all the blood dries, it'll be harder then." she paused as if to examine the state of it all. "And maybe wrap it up, have you got any gauze laying around?

"Do I have any gauze?" I laughed and couldn't help but to grin.

"Good point, stupid question, of course you do! Go get that cleaned up, leave everything to dry and if you have to wrap it up later, maybe to stabilize your wrist, do so." The last sentence was not a suggestion, it was an order for sure.

"Okay, will you be here when I come back?"

"Yes, just dont be forever." she winked at me. I hurried off to the bathroom to sort out my hand, it didnt take more than maybe five minutes but when I came back to the computer all I could see of Ashley was the top of her head."

"Go to bed boo." I whispered, although loud enough for her to wake up.

"Oh, no, I am going to stay here until you feel okay to be on your own." she wiped some dribble from her chin with the back of her hand.

"No, you're going to bed, and there is no room for negotiation! I feel a lot more calm now, thank you... I had to be distracted, that was all... thank you!"

"Are you sure." she gave me a questioning look.

"Yes, I promise! I won't hurt myself any more today... I should really try to sleep too... I haven't slept all night and I am meeting Harry at 11."

"You what!?"

"Oh." I chuckled. "I forgot to tell you." I couldn't stop myself from shooting her a smug grin. "He wanted me to go with him to the Christmas market in town."

"Oh my god, Draco! That is totally a date!" Ashley had all of a sudden forgotten all about being tired and was now bouncing up and down on her chair.

"Do you really think so?"

"Ehrrr yes! GO TO BED! You cant look like a wreck when you've got a date!"

"Okay! Deal, we'll both go to bed." I felt a lot better than I had all night and the fact that she sort of confirmed that it must be a date made me more certain too. I allowed myself to hope and look forward to it. "I have to be there in just a few hours but I should be able to squeeze some sleep in. Thank you for being fantastic... as always." she smiled at me in response.

"Sleep well Draco, love you."

"Love you to hun. Night!" she waved when ending the call, I did too. I peered down at my now fairly clean hand, it was red and patches had started to turn blue, but worst were the places where the impact had been the most severe. Worried that I might stain my bed with blood I wrapped my hand up with gauze before head butting the pillow, and I was asleep within seconds.

Although my little nap hadn't been very long I felt unexpectedly awake when my alarm went off at 10am. I quickly examined my hand and establishes that some of the sores had nearly bleed through my little package, so whilst getting ready I made sure to wrap my hand up in clean gauze and a bit more neatly this time.

"I swear it wasn't me who placed the order for snow!" Harry giggled as he greeted me with a hug.

"Me neither, too much of a cliché! It did cross my mind to be fair, but I was worried you'd either get the wrong idea of me or at least think I didn't have any imagination." I laughed whilst lining up next to him, ready to set off down the fully decorated market street.

"Must be some other poor sod then, desperately trying to impress someone." he looked me as we fell in to a fairly slow pace. "I thought we should get something warm to drink first and maybe get some food... or something." I could hear that he wanted to seem confident and sure of himself but it was so obvious that he was as nervous as me.

"Sounds fab! There is normally plenty of food at the market so lets just find something that we'd like." the street was jam-packed on both sides with merchants selling items, both hand crafted and factory made things. When we had nearly reached the area where all the food stalls were located something completely non food related caught my eye. "Now /that/ is beautiful!" I said pointing towards the stall where a tall and skinny woman stood. I grabbed Harry by the arm and pulled him over to have a closer look.

"Locked up in my heart." Harry said over my shoulder as I ran the silver, cuff like, bracelet between my fingers. "That's a pretty cute way of putting love."

"Mhmm." I wasn't really listening to him.

"This is the one that goes with it." the woman selling the bracelet handed over another, matching one to him.

"I'll keep you safe... Locked up in my heart." Harry chuckled a little. "I guess that's one way of telling someone that you love them." with a smile he handed it back to the lady. But I wasn't ready to hand the second one back just yet, it had really spoken to me. Locked up in my heart, I understood why it was simply a declaration of love for Harry but to me, to me it meant so much more, it described how I felt, how I was. Trapped in my own heart. "Are you ready to move on?" I looked up and felt as if I had been asleep and woken abruptly.

"Oh, yes... yes I am." I handed the bracelet back as well. "That was really neat." I said truthfully.

"Yeah, it was pretty cool." suddenly I felt something that made my heart stop for a few milliseconds. Harry's hand was brushing up against the back of my hand, his fingertips slowly and shyly greeted mine. Our eyes met, he smiled, I smiled. He then took my hand in his and everything felt so right.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: I really wasn't going to publish a chapter tonight but I cant restrain myself. Once Christmas is over and life is back to normal I wont be able to update this regularly... but I guess Christmas is a time for giving ;)**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 5

"Should we just got to a café instead?" Harry muttered after we had tried to make our way to the food stalls for over ten minutes.

"Yes, this crowd is really starting to get to me." we started to head back up market street again in the hunt for a more quiet spot, but we didn't walk hand in hand. I had already ruined my chances of any further hand-holding for quite some time to come. After that we had walked away from the woman with the bracelets and Harry had bravely taken my hand in his, we had only made it a few metres before I spotted a guy from my course at university and I had instinctively let go of Harry. He had looked at me but I hadn't been able to tell if he was hurt, never the less, I had felt that I had to explain myself. I had mumbled something about not being ready, not wanting to rush in to anything, but I didn't know if that was the truth or a lie, I hadn't known why I acted like I did. All I knew was that I had just burned the fragile bridge we'd just built.

"How about here?"

"Perfect!" I smiled. The café was quite big, split in to two levels, but all the odd and random walls made it seem very small and cosy regardless. We both bought a large coffee and a sandwich to go with it, I was really hungry as I hadn't had the time to eat before I left home this morning. As soon as we had sat down in a huge and comfy armchair each, in a quiet and secluded area, I let the rest of the apologies that I had been keeping inside of me whilst we were outside hail down over Harry.

"I am really sorry for out there, Harry. I do-"

"Don't worry about it."

"I didn't mean to upset you..."

"You didn't upset me"

"I didn't mean to lead you on."

"Don't worry about it."

"Are you angry?"

"No." he smiled.

"Are you sure?" I didn't really dare to believe him.

"Yes." Harry placed his cup on the table between us before he leaned forward and placed a very swift and light kiss on my forehead. "I promise."

"Okay. Sorry."

"Stop saying sorry!"

"Sorry." I placed a hand over my mouth and giggled. In silence we nursed our coffees for some time, Harry was the one to break it.

"You don't have to answer this question that I am going to ask you if its too private...okay?"

"Okay." I said, nervousness stirring at the pit of my stomach.

"When did you realise that you... were in to guys?

"I dont know really, girls have always just been my friend and then when I met the guy who also became my first boyfriend it was just so natural. Being with a guy felt like the normal thing to me... if that makes any sense." I laughed.

"Oh yeah, I get you." Harry smiled back at me over his cup. "Can I ask a few more things?"

"Shoot! But then I'll get to interrogate you afterwards."

"Sounds like a deal to me! And remember, you don't have to answer if you find it too personal." he chuckled. "So, have you had a lot of boyfriends?"

"Ehrrm.. a handful more or less serious ones."

"More or less serious ones... what do you mean with that?"

"It means that I've had about four or five serious relationships and quite a few more... sex partners." I blushed. "Sorry about the details."

"No, no, I asked." Harry was still smiling.

"How long have you been single?"

"About a year."

"Who ended it?" I didn't know what to answer to that one, I could hardly remember how it ended. That particular part of my life had been a very tormenting time of my life. The relationship was very abusive, me and the other guy were two broken people with lost souls. It was a time I'd rather not think about, it was a time that ruined me.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I just don't, okay."

"Sorry... is it because of him... that you dont want to rush in to things with me?"

"Partially." it was the truth, I was scared of being hurt again but I was also scared of Harry committing to me before he knew who I was, who I really was deep down. He looked at me and raised one of his eyebrows ever so slightly. "I mean, its one of the reasons why I want to take it slow, but I also want to make sure that we know each other well... that you get to know me... all of me... before you commit... before you decide if it me you want." I couldn't meat Harry's eyes, I was sure that I had said too much, that I would scare him off.

"Sounds like a fair enough reason. Now its your turn." he didn't seem angry at all, he just understood, for some reason that I couldn't understand, he did, understood.

"Same question for you then, how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Only two."

"When did you realise that you like blokes?"

"About six years ago. I've had so many failed relationships with girls growing up, always desperately looking for love but it never worked out. Then when I was 18, or it was actually on my 18th birthday, I got absolutely shit-faced and ended up in bed with one of my best mates, who has always been in to guys. We didn't have sex but a good old drunken snog session, some touchy-feely business and so on. That's when I realised that I was just as turned on by men as I was by women. I would have figured it out sooner if I had just given the thought, the alternative, my attention but I had been so blind, so affected by society and their standard or a couple."

"So you've had two relationships in the last six years... and your first one was when you were 18... that makes you 24, right?"

"25 actually. I had my first gay encounter when I was 18 but it wasn't until I was 19 that I actually ended up in a relationship with another guy.

"That makes us the same age." I grinned. "How long have you been single?"

"10 months and five days." a shadow of something swept across Harry's face when he responded to my question.

"Who broke it up?" I guessed that it must have been the other guy that broke up with Harry as he knew how long it had been since it happened.

"He..." he cleared his throat. "He died..." I didn't know what to answer to that, but I knew what I wanted to know. Harry remained silent.

"How?" I had said it. Harry sighed. "You dont have to-"

"No, I do, if we are going to try this-" he gestured at me and at himself. "Then you deserve to know." he took a deep breath. "We had been going out for four years... and to celebrate we went out partying with three of our closest girlfriends. The night got really wet, the five of us were really quite drunk but sober enough to walk home. We were all heading back to my place, Dan was mostly staying at mine anyway and two of the girls was going to crash on the sofa, the third one lived two doors down from me. Drunk, happy and arm in arm whilst singing loudly we staggered our way home to me. As we crossed a reasonably quiet road Tiffany fell over in her high heels, she pulled them off before walking over to the side of the road, she was definitely the one in worst shape out of all of us. In her drunken state she had only managed to get one of her shoes with her, the other one was still laying in the middle of the road... and of course Dan spotted this. He walked back after it... no one realised as we were all fussing over Tiff, I only understood what must have happened when I heard the screeching tires from a car and... the impact..." Harry's eyes were filled to the brim with tears. "Sorry... I can't..."

"You don't have to... I understand."

"There... there is one more thing... to it all..." he picked up a serviette from the table and dabbed his eyes before continuing. "Dan's parents didn't accept that he was seeing a guy. During our four years together I only met them once and it wasn't a very nice meeting... He ended up in the hospital, he was in a coma... and because I wasn't close family they wouldn't let me visit him unless his parents consented... which they didn't... I never got a chance to say good bye... the last time I saw him... the last time I touched and held him... was after he was hit." he fell silent, he looked at me, he was trying to read me.

"And I thought that I had been down at the bottom of a black hole." I didn't want to say that I was still stuck down there.

"I sought help at my doctors... my general practitioner referred me to this brilliant psychologist and today I have learned to cope with it." he smiled. "It was tough but it is possible."

"I am so sorry Harry." I was still in a slight shock.

"There is no need to pity me now, the past is the past for a reason." he reached out for my hand. "Now, all I want to focus on is getting to know you."

"Sounds scary." I grinned. "It has been a very long time since anyone was allowed in under my shield... but I might just let you." my grin hadn't faded what so ever.

"I'll... We'll tread carefully, I promise." Harry took a big bite from what was left of his sandwich. "Mhhmm! So good!"

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: A bit shorter chapter but it felt like the perfect place to end it, so I did ;)**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 6

Harry and I had sat in our secluded corner of the café until it was dark outside the window. As we were saying good bye he asked if he could give me a kiss, I had nodded and he'd kissed me gently on the lips. The previously sedated butterflies in my stomach had been woken up and I felt so bubbly on the inside all the way home.

I had just about managed to get my coat off as my phone went off. Buzzing like an angry bee I had picked it up from my pocket and saw that Ashley was calling on Skype.

"How was it!?" she squealed as I pressed answer.

"Ehrr..." I scratched my head, not really knowing where to begin.

"What do you mean, ehrrr!? Please don't tell me you dumped him... or pushed him away!"

"No." I giggled. "Nothing like that... wait a second." I finished taking my shoes off and wandered in to my room where I plumped myself down on the bed. "Ahhh!" I stretched out and yawned. "I am so incredibly sleepy!"

"Draco!" Ashley protested.

"Sorry, sorry... I am just-"

"Yes, we know you're sleepy and I'll let you nap as soon as you tell me everything!" she grinned and I gasped dramatically.

"Are you preventing me from napping?! Are you actually delaying nap-time?!" I grinned.

"You are the one delaying things!"

"Okay, okay... Harry has had two previous boyfriends, he was 18 when he figured out that he'd rather fuck guys than girls... ehrr... his last relationship lasted four years and... it only ended because the other bloke died... and even better, the dying guys parents refused Harry to see him because they were against the fact that their son was gay." I fell silent and Ashley's face dropped.

"That's not fun, Draco." her tone was serious and accusing.

"No, and it's the truth."

"Oh poor Harry." she shook her head.

"Yes, poor Harry..." I gazed to my side where the blood splatter on the wall was still visible.

"What are you thinking?"

"Nothing, just tired." I said evasively.

"I know what that detached look means, dont bullshit me." her words were angry but her tone was sad.

"Poor Harry, yes poor Harry... but..." I paused not wanting to continue.

"Out with it! You can't bottle it all up!"

"But what about me! Poor fucking me! What if he isn't over him! I mean, he will never be over him! For all I know he was the love of Harry's life! They'd had fours years together, they weren't fighting, they weren't about to break up! The guy just happened to die!" I paused only to inhale." What if I am the rebound?" tears started to flood my eyes. "How... how can you even love when you have loved someone else before? Someone you never stopped loving... someone you didn't leave of free will… How do you take their place?"

"Oh Draco baby!" she sighed and shook her head. "I can't answer those questions... only Harry can..."

"All he said was that the past is in the past... I didn't pressure him on any further information but... oh god! Why do I have to fall for the complicated ones!" with a deep sigh I slammed my head back in to the mattress. "I need to nap." I said shortly.

"Are you going to be okay on your own? I can sit here until you fall asleep if you want me too." her offer was so kind, and any other day I would probably have wanted her too but today was not the day where I'd want any kind of supervision. I knew what might happen and I was going to let it if it did.

"No, I am going to be fine, I don't want you to put your day on hold for me boo. I love you, okay."

"I love you too... please be safe, and if you need me I'll right here." she blew me a kiss, as always, before we ended the call. I remained silent on my bed with my eyes closed, trying to keep my pulse down my breathing in and out, by taking deep breaths.

"Why does life have to be so fucking unfair!?" I growled before sitting up, I glanced down at my already maimed hand and then over to the wall. "FUUUCK!" it was probably the most stupid thing I had done in a very long time, but it had been so tempting. The scabs which had formed over the already existing wounds had cracked open and a mix between something oozy and blood poured from my hand, once again. "Fuck, fuck, fuckety, fuck! Stupid, stupid, urgh!" I was angry at myself for falling for the temptation. I didn't care that my hand was bleeding, I just turned on to my front and tried going straight to sleep. But I was soon interrupted. My phone lit up right next to my face as I received a text message.

_Harry: I hope you got home safe and sound. I am sorry that I brought up what happened with Dan. I really shouldn't have._

_Draco: I did, just about to have a little snooze. And dont worry about it :)_

_H: But I do, I feel like it was unnecessary. So, sorry, :)_

_D: Really, don't worry about it. I'll message you later when I am up._

_H: I'll talk to you later sweetie :) Bye xx _

_D: Bye :) xxx _

_H: xxxx You can't beat me! _

_D: Harry! This is getting way too corny! ;)_

_H: Damn! I really can't think of anything witty to say xD So you might just beat me :P _

_D: Yay! I win! nap time! Bye xx _

I flung my phone on to a pile of clothes that lay on my bedroom floor and followed the action by letting out a loud groan, filled with self pity. Unnecessary or not, Harry had told me and it wasn't like he was going to be able to take the information back. In a way I truly appreciated the fact that he had been honest with me, that he wasn't going to come and drop this bombshell on me once I really trusted him. Yet, there was something within me wishing the information away. The knowledge of what had happened and that he survived it so well made him a better man, it made him a better person than me, because I couldn't get up on my knees. I had fallen, my world had crumbled around and under me and there was nothing that could actually pick me up, there was nothing, there was only me alone with my scars.

For about an hour I tossed and turned in bed, no position seemed good enough, I was either too warm under the duvet or too cold without it. Sleep, sleep, sleep. I repeated silently in my head, it wasn't working at all. Too much information and too many emotions were fighting over my attention inside my head. My brain felt like a boiling kettle without a spout, there was no where the excess thoughts could go. The palm of my left arm was facing upward and so was obviously my underarm. Since sleep had deceived me I entertained myself by looking at the scars covering my skin, some of them were purple, some red and quite a few white. But it was the old ones that had my attention, the old ones that brought back the strongest and most vivid memories. The later scars were more of a blur, a mix of emotions, rage, loneliness and boredom.

I ran my finger along a weak line at the top of my wrist. Unlike most of the others, this one was vertical rather than horizontal, and that's because this one used to be the beginning of a name. It was one of my first ones, if not the first and I remembered the time it happened just as well as if it'd been yesterday. We had argued again, Alex and I, over the phone. He had called me names, said horrible things about me that was so far from the truth that it had made me feel sick. Alex had accused me of sleeping with some random person, the filthy things he was calling me hailed down over me through my phone, I tried to get a word in but he wasn't letting me. Eventually I had shouted at the top of my lungs, called him nasty things, called him a liar, told him to fuck off to wherever because I didn't care. I had lied, I did care. I loved him so passionately and cared for this person so god damned much that I though I was going to go insane. He had hung up on me, I never got the chance to explain my innocence. I called back over 20 times but he refused my calls. I had felt so numb inside, I had never experienced anything like it before. As if under some kind of spell I had walked in to my parents living room which was being redecorated at the time and I stole a razor blade from one of the people that was taking down the old wallpaper, and then escaped in to my bedroom. In silence, with tear filled eyes I carved the letter A in to the upper part of my wrist. A for Alex. That was the first time of many that bleeding wounds ended up on my arm because of what I felt for Alex, because of what him and I had together. But those scars had started to fade and as hard as it was to admit, I felt lost without them.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Happy new year!**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 7

_Harry: Hope your nap was okay :) xxx [19:58]_

_H: Promise that I didn't upset you today. Xxx [20:33]_

_H: Cuz if I did upset you, you would tell me right? [20:56]_

_H: Right? [21:12]_

_H: I did upset you, didn't I? [21:47]_

_Missed call(s) 22:01_

_H: Please pick up Draco [22:03]_

_H: Draco? [22:27]_

_[7] Missed call(s) 22:31_

_H: If you're playing hard to get it's not fun. [23:03]_

_H: Is everything okay? [23:14]_

_H: I am starting to get worried! [23:23]_

_[3] Missed call(s) 23:35_

_H: If you're angry that's fine! Just let me know that you are okay! [23:59]_

_Missed call(s) 00:02_

_Missed call(s) 00:05_

_Missed call(s) 00:07_

In a far distance a disturbing sound called for my attention, but it was so far away that it might as well have belonged to a different realm. The noise wouldn't stop, and every time it cried out it brought me closer to reality, made me surface a little bit more.

"Draco!" was someone calling my name? It was completely dark around me, I felt confused and disorientated. "Draco!" the noise I hadn't been able to identify whilst fast asleep was as I now understood it, the doorbell. Still stuck in my pitch black room I fell out of my bed and started to make my way to the door. I fumbled with the light switch as I reached the wall and in the next second the sudden burst of light had me blinded. "Draco!" the door bell was still going off, whoever was calling my name was also banging hard on the front door followed by yet another call of my name. I stumbled multiple times on my own feet, still half asleep and confused and dressed in just my boxers and a long sleeved shirt I struggled with the lock to the front door.

"Oh thank good!" Harry panted.

"Ehrr... Hey Harry... What are you doing in my neck of the woods? … At nearly one in the morning?" I rubbed my eyes in the hope that I'd wake up a bit,

"Did you not get my messages? Or the calls?"

"Ehrr..." I said, still feeling confused. "Let me... wait... or come in." I stumbled back to my bedroom in the search for my phone. Once I found it and had a scroll through it I felt my heart sink. "Oh Harry... I am so, so, so, soooooo sorry!" I began as I walked back out to him where he stood in the hall, phone still stuck in my hand.

"What happened? Why didn't you message me when you said you would?" he didn't sound accusing at all, just worried.

"I am still napping... as it seems." I smiled a little, feeling incredibly guilty. I had managed to fall asleep eventually, after stripping down a bit and getting comfortable under my duvet. And as it appeared I had slept all evening and probably would have gone all night if Harry hadn't showed up.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have woke you up." he looked away from me. "I started worrying when you didn't reply or messaged me as you said you would... but this obviously explains things." he let out a slight giggle. I could see how Harry was alternately moving his hands from the inside of his pockets to clasping them together on his front, but what caught my attention was the fact that they were shaking severely.

"Are you okay?" I took a step forward and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"No." even though Harry was biting down on his bottom lip I could see how it was quivering.

"Can I do anything for you to make it better."

"Yes, yes you can actually." Harry pulled his hands from his pockets, they were still shaking considerably. "Hold on to my wrists."

"What?" I didn't understand how I was going to help him by wrapping my fingers around his arms.

"Just... please."

"Like this?" I closed my hands around his wrists and looked him deep in the eyes.

"Harder."

"Better?" I tightened the grip.

"Yes."

"What now?"

"Shhh." he hushed me quietly. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, in through his nose and after holding the air for a few seconds he let it out through his mouth. "10..." he repeated the process. "9... 8... 7... 6...5... 4... 3... 2... 1..." Harry opened his eyes as he let the last deep breath out.

"Better?"

"Yes. Thank you." he smiled a little. "You can let go now." Harry grinned.

"Oh, sorry." I released him from my grasp. "What... ehh... how?" I wasn't sure how to phrase my question.

"You know the psychologist I mentioned, she was the one who taught me this."

"What is it supposed to do?"

"It helps you calm down. When you feel like you're about to freak out or break down you find something to hold on to, it could be anything that wont move. Once you've got something you're meant to close your eyes and put all your focus on your hands and what you are holding on to, because this is some how meant to symbolize a solid point. Ehrr..." he paused for a second. "It is hard to explain but its like... even if everything around you is a turmoil you've still got this stable place... once all you're focus is on your hands you are meant breath in and out, deep breaths, and whilst doing so you count backwards from ten... by the time you reach zero you're meant to have calmed down."

"Does it actually work then?" I wasn't sure that I was convinced about the technique working as well as he claimed, but on the other hand, if it worked for Harry, that was good enough for me.

"Oh yes... or, in the beginning it didn't... but I was told that was because I didn't believe it was going to work for me...and because I didn't believe it I was subconsciously fighting back... stopping me from actually relaxing... does that make sense?

"So you mean that unless you believe it'll work, it wont?" this information only made me more sceptical.

"Sort of... it might sound weird but I assure you, it does work for me" he shot me a big smile.

"I am sorry that I am so curious but the topic fascinates me... How did it help with me holding your wrists if you are meant to be holding on to something?

"It's just a thing I have found works for me... it feels a bit like someone else takes control over me... that you'll keep me safe." suddenly Harry looked shy.

"Cool." I smiled wholeheartedly.

"I should go so you can go back to bed."

"Would you like a cup of tea? You might as well come in for a bit, I mean now when you're already here." I hoped he'd accept my invitation.

"That would be so lovely, thank you." Harry stepped out of his shoes and hung his coat up by the door so he could then accompany me in to the kitchen. I flew around in the kitchen as the kettle boiled, fetching the milk and a spoon.

"Would you like a cookie, or a few?" I chuckled, pulling out a bag of chocolate chip cookies.

"Oh, god! Yes, please!" With the bag of cookies and a tea each we walked in to the living room where we sat down on the sofa, in the exact same places as last time. Although this time there was no need to sit close because of a bottle, which must have meant that Harry wanted to sit next to me. For a while the only sound in my flat was the ones of cookies being crushed between teeth and tea being sipped at. "I was meant to ask you this earlier... but then we started talking about so many other things... what's happened to your hand? I don't remember seeing it all gauzed-up in /my/ café" I felt my stomach churn, I wasn't really sure what to say, should I lie or tell him the truth? I didn't feel ready for him to know everything about me just yet, at least not my dark side. At the same time, I didn't want to start our potential relationship off by lying to Harry.

"It was an accident, nothing severe." I said truthfully, or, as truthfully as I possibly could phrase it.

"Okay." Harry didn't ask anything else until he had finished his cup of tea and the bag of cookies was empty but for crumbs. "Hope this doesn't sound odd, or wrong... can I see your room?"

"Sure!" I laughed. "Why though? I mean I dont mind, not at all, but it's not much to see."

"I... I find that a bedroom can tell you quite a lot about a person... odd I know."

"This way." I took Harry by the hand and pulled him with me to my bedroom. "Here we are." I opened the door and stepped inside. I walked over to my bed where I sat down, absorbing all of Harry's movements as he took in every inch of my room from where he stood in the door. He was hard to read, didn't give me many clues when eyeing down the decently sized space, but as his eyes reached the blood botch on my wall something changed in his eyes, even if only for a split moment. I had seen it though. I could see how he connected up the dots in his head. Added two and two together, what I didn't know was how much he would gather from this. Could he figure out that I was slowly dyeing on the inside? Did he understand that I was damaged beyond repair? Did he see that I was broken and not worth investing neither time or energy in? Did he realise that he should run, as far and as fast as he possibly could.

"I like it." he said as he walked over to me and sat down on the bed too. Harry reached out for my hand and took it in his, I didn't protest. "I really like you Draco... you don't have to be afraid with me... of me..."

"I am no-"

"I won't hurt you... and if... when we will argue... I promise I will never keep you my emotional hostage." I turned my head to look at him, our eyes locked on each other. Harry's lips felt even better than I had remembered. Warm, soft and safe. "Sorry." he pushed himself away from me.

"What?" the confusion I felt must have shone on my face.

"I didn't plan for this, I didn't mean to kiss you... I-"

"Shhh" I placed my finger over his lips. "I am enjoying this." I removed my finger and pressed my mouth back against his, and this time there was a kind of hunger present, we wanted more. For about ten minutes we did nothing but kiss, I ran my fingers through Harry's hair, I had really longed to do so for a while now. He was carefully stroking my thigh with his hand.

"Sorry, no.. !" Harry pulled away again. "We have to stop now. I am liking this a bit too much... and I don't want us to do something that we might regret... I mean we said..."

"No, you are completely right... how ever much I might want this... you're right."

"I should go home." Harry glanced at his watch.

"You... you... if you... my bed is big enough for the both of us." why couldn't I just ask him straight out if he wanted to stay the night. My bed was more than reasonably sized and we wouldn't have to spoon or even touch. "I mean it is nearly 3 in the morning."

"You sure you don't mind? I can sleep on the sofa if you want me to?"

"Really, I would actually like it... and no, I am not letting you sleep on the sofa when there is plenty of room here." I gestured towards my bed.

"And no funny business." he winked at me.

"No funny business." I giggled.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	8. Chapter 8

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Bit of writers block whilst writing this but I hope that doesn't shine through in the text. :)**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 8

My room was still dark when I woke up, I guessed it must still be early hours, so why had I woke up? Harry and I had fallen asleep on one side of my bed each and as we'd both been so tired a short good night had been all before dozing off. Somehow during the night though we had both managed to make our way in to the middle of the bed, and Harry was peacefully sleeping with his arm wrapped around me from behind, leaving me in the position of the little spoon. But that hadn't been the reason why I had woke up. For minutes I was just laying there, happily wrapped up in Harry, feeling the heat radiate from his body, leaving me in a calm and sort of drowsy state. That's when I realised. I hadn't woke up in panic with tears flooding from my eyes, heart racing and drenched in sweat. Somehow I felt, safe.

Soon I started to get a bit hot with Harry laying so close and with the warm winter duvet covering our bodies. In a desperate attempt, not wanting Harry to neither wake up nor let go of me I tried to kick it off with my feet, only to result in us getting the bottom bit of the cover over our heads.

"Great!" I muttered quietly.

"Mmmmhmm." Harry stirred. I mentally punched myself in the face. Why did I always have to ruin things! Harry stirred again. "Morning." he whispered, still eyes shut.

"I didn't mean to wake you up." I apologised.

"Morning." Harry said, letting out a little happy but tired noise, blatantly ignoring my apology.

"Morning." I pulled the duvet back down from our heads.

"How did this happen?" it was still too dark for me to see his face, but I assumed he meant the mid-bed-snuggle.

"Don't look at me, you're the one with your arm around me." I chuckled.

"Sorry. I will try to behave next time." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Who says there will be a next time, especially after this." I tried so hard not to laugh but happiness was bubbling on the inside and just like bubbles in a glass of coke they wanted up and out.

"I really hope there will be a next time... because I find this... so damn cosy."

"Why don't you stay until tomorrow... spend the day with me today... and Christmas day with me tomorrow." it had taken a lot of courage to ask, and it was all thanks to the darkness, in broad daylight I had never managed. Harry didn't answer straight away though. Why did I have to ask? I tightened my bruised hand in to a fist.

"How can you be so stupid Draco." the little voice in my head whispered, awakened and summoned by my burst of anxiety. Leaving my brain running in ultra rapid. "You were the one wanting to take things slow. Talking about mixed signals." the voice scoffed. My fist was clenched so hard in an attempt to remain calm in front of Harry that I could feel the scabs on my knuckles crack open.

"I'd love to! But I have to go home and just grab some things, feed my birds and maybe change my clothes." he giggled and I gasped for air in relief.

"You do?" sounding so incredible stupid.

"If that's okay?" Harry seemed confused.

"More than okay." I whispered back whilst searching for his face with my hand. "Sorry if I am giving you an... odd impression of myself." my fingertips were running along Harry's jawline and later down his neck.

"It's okay... life isn't a straight and clear road and we can only do what we think will be right at the time, we can't predict the sudden turn coming around the corner, can we."

"No, no we cant." I leaned my head forward the few inches required to reach Harry's lips with mine. There was no doubt in his response, he fell in to my slow pace straight away and soon the evil little bitch inside of my head had been suffocated.

We spent another hour in bed just snuggling and talking, I was simply enjoying not having to wake up on my own in a cold and empty flat. And the fact that I fancied the guy was an incredible bonus. As we eventually managed to get up and have some breakfast the sun had started to rise outside the window.

"I will head home as soon as I've finished this." Harry waved his toast in front of my face, sipping his tea.

"How long do you think you'll be?"

"I promise I will come back." he laughed.

"No, god!" I covered my eyes with my hand that wasn't occupied by a cup. "That came out sounding so different from how I meant it."

"Silly Draco... stupid Draco... pathetic, embarrassing Draco." I closed my eyes hard in an attempt to shut the voice out.

"I was thinking of quickly popping down to the shop whilst you are out and I didnt want you to come back when I was gone."

"I was just messing." Harry smiled. "It'll probably take about three hours. I have to get home which takes about half an hour to 45 minutes. Then shower, get dressed, pack some things and feed the birds... and then get back to you... it'll also depend on how lucky I am with buses, so anything between two and three hours I'd say." he poured the last bit of his tea in the sink before placing his cup in the dishwasher. "So you don't have to miss me for too long." he grinned and planted a kiss on the top of my head.

"I think I'll manage." I caught his had just as he was about to walk out of the kitchen. "I am really glad that I met you, Harry..." I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell him how much he brightened up my day, that he helped me stay sane. But this was not the time nor the place for serious talk. "I mean it."

"I am too... I mean it." he winked. I let go of his hand. Five minutes later he was gone.

_D: He stayed the night in my bed. And no we didn't have sex._

As soon as the door had shut behind Harry I had pulled my phone from my pocket and messaged Ashley.

_A: You big party pooper! I got soooo excited for about a tenth of a second there!_

_D: We had a really good snuggle though... and god Ash, I am really falling for him and it scares me so damn much... I want to let him in... I want to allow myself to fall for him, I want to love him... he is so fucking fantastic! _

_A: That is just so awesome darling! You just have to take your time... he is going to like you no matter what... what's not to like about you babe!_

_D: Hahah don't go there, there is a lot of things I don't like about myself :P_

_A: well, just focus on the positive aspects and not that you have to impress anyone... its not a competition on who opens up the most in the shortest space of time, love takes time._

_D: Thanks for being awesome xxx_

_A: Its what I'm here for hehe! I am going to get back to my internship stuff and that thorki story I told you about._

_D: You do that lovie, I'll talk to you later. Xxx_

It had been a long time since I had felt like humming along to the music blasting in my headphones, normally they'd simply be a way for me to shut out all the white noise in my head. Harry had an obvious impact on me, in a positive way, and it had been so long since I had felt something like this because of someone else. All I wanted to do was to let go of everything and just indulge myself in the fantastic feelings that Harry was the source of. I wanted to become addicted to love and devote my life to happiness. But thinking, wanting and actually doing were completely different things to me. I had been hurt before, damaged beyond repair and there was no way I'd loose control like that ever again. I would never love uncontrollably, but I would also never die of a bleeding heart.

"Morning, merry Christmas!" the lady working in the shop greeted me as I walked through the door.

"Merry Christmas. Busy morning?" it wasn't like me to make small talk before, at least, noon.

"Not to bad love, most people are still in bed, aren't they." she continued stacking the shelf in front of the door with bacardi bottles. With my mind set on wine I headed to the isle that was already crowded by a few individuals. White or red... white... rosé maybe... eventually I decided on a white one.

"Draco?" a hand was placed on my shoulder and I froze instantly. I'd know that voice anywhere, I'd never forget that voice. "It is you, isn't it!" images started to flash in front of my eyes.

I was yelling through the door from the inside of a locked bathroom, crying so intensely that I couldn't breath, blinded by my own tears. I shouted to him that he was a piece of shit, a fucking cunt that didn't understand a single damned thing. The door had received numerous kicks, punches and violent words back. The white wood between us had taken the blow but they were all aimed and intended for me. Gone half an hour and I had slowly slumped in to an energy drained heap on the tiled floor, the tears had started to ebb but my heart was bleeding. Through the door I could hear his breaths, they too had calmed down, and their sound and presence weakened me. I began to apologise, over and over I asked him to forgive me, to forgive my words. I pleaded, I begged, I ask him to never let me go. Because no mater what, I loved him mercilessly.

I snapped back to reality. I turned around.

"A... Alex." the bottle of wine in my hand fell to the floor where it shattered, glass flying across the soaked surface. Yanking myself free from his hand I started to head for the door.

"Where are you going Draco?" he called after me. I didn't care, I wasn't going to stop.

"Sorry." I said in panic to the shop lady, throwing a twenty pound note her way.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Debated how I would write "internal conversations" and decided on making the writing in italics. So everything in italics is what Draco is thinking internally, unless its a text or chat conversation :P You'll see what I mean!**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 9

"Draco!" Alex called after me. I turned my head and saw that he had followed me out from the shop. _Fuck Draco! Man up for gods sake! You have to prove to him that you are stronger now! Stronger without him! _I cursed silently to myself.

"But you aren't" the damned voice giggled in my head. _I am! I am stronger._ "The scars on your arm begs to differ... but if you're so sure, be my guest, stop and talk to him!" _I just might! _"You're still

walking." I halted.

"Draco!" Alex panted as he closed in on me.

"Alex." my voice was cold. I might be trying to prove to myself, and him, that he didn't break me, that I was a better person now, that I was alive, but I wasn't going to go the, so called, extra mile for him.

"Why in such a hurry?" his voice was calm, but in his eyes burned a certain kind of fire, a fire that scared me more than anything.

"Just have to get home, I am expecting some company." I said through slightly gritted teeth.

"I didn't know you lived up here." Alex was still behaving like we were old mates. _Liar._ He knew just as well that I lived here, he knew that this was the placed I fled when my world was crashing down around me. When my life was in ruins and I was on fire. He knew that this was the place where I hid.

"So, what are you doing around here?" I asked, actually wanting to know the answer.

"I was thinking of moving up here, the university is really quite nice." the scenery around us started to spin. If I didn't do anything, and that was soon, I knew that I would break there and then, right in front of him. Showing him that one year apart hadn't changed a thing. I didn't reply. Alex's eyes were scanning my body, carefully studying every part of me, and as he noticed my, now, healing but still bruised hand I was sure I could hint one one of his crooked smiles.

"He knows." the voice in my head laughed. "He knows that you haven't changed... you were never good at hiding things from him back then and you're just as rubbish now!" I felt sick. Clearly it wasn't enough that I every day had to live and relive my memories of Alex, that I had cuts and scars covering my body as evidence of how that boy made me feel. Breaking me down to nothingness and pestle my soul in a mortar wasn't apparently adequate to him. He had to move to /my/ town and go to /my/ university, and come back in to and ruin /my/ life, all over again.

"I have missed you, Draco." he placed a hand on my arm. I pulled it away as if I had been burned by his touch. In a desperate attempt to stay in tune with reality I was digging my nails in to the palms of my hands, as hard as I possibly could. But it wasn't helping. Slivers of memories, phrases and words were echoing in my head.

"It..." _grow a pair! _"It was" I had to force myself to say the next word. "nice, to see you again. But I really have to go... like I said, I'm expecting company." with those words I turned around and left.

"I am sure we'll bump in to each other again!" he called after me. At a start I walked slowly, causally strolling down the street, but as soon I turned around a corner the chilled walk accelerated in to a foot race.

"I have changed, I am not like that any more, Draco, please! I promise, I am a new person!" the memories were stronger, I weakened by every second, unable to shut it out.

"A person can't change in less than a week, Alex!" I was pulling my shirts out from the chest of draws that we shared. "Nevertheless you, /you/ cant change... you are broken, damaged goods that should be thrown away and never looked at again! Everything can't be mended... duck tape isn't going to work on this... this... us... you... no!" I couldn't help but to flinch as he took a step towards me. "Don't!" I growled, still packing clothes in to the large duffel bag.

"I never meant to hurt you..." tears were flooding Alex's eyes.

"No, no you didn't did you!" I shouted in his face. "So what do you call this! Huh! What do you call this?" I pointed angrily towards the big, deep reed bruise covering big parts of the right side of my jaw. "And it's not like it's ever happened before!" my tone was heavily sarcastic.

"All that I have done for you! I picked you up! I was there for you when you had no one else... I loved you when no one else did!" Alex was getting gradually angrier. "You're doing this to yourself! You're making me do this... you... you" he panted and a fierce flame of rage lit up in the depths of his eyes. "You're doing this to yourself Draco, you've got no one but yourself to blame." he spat at me.

"I loved you, you know!" it was my turn to tear up, scared and weakened by his words. "I still do... and I am scared that I always will." they spilled over my eyes and fell, like crystals they rolled down my cheeks. "Nothing is ever going to change though... we will never understand each other... two damaged humans... only causing more devastation when we are near each other... "

"You dont even try to understand me do you?! If... if you tried you would! Open you eyes, Draco! And you would see why I do what I do!" Alex grabbed my wrist and his fingers shut around it. Fear spread like wildfire through me, knowing that even the smallest thing I said could set him off.

"Everything I do is wrong, even this! The only thing I've done right in... in forever! Even then you're trying to fault me..." I tried to pull my hand away from him but he had an iron grip around my arm. "You say that you never meant to hurt me... that you love me... that you want to protect me... that everything will change... that if I tried I would see... that I'd understand... but all I can see is how you're trying to control me, Alex. I can feel the love, I really can. It's like a sickness inside of me, like a parasite it's slowly taking me over but also killing me little by little... I love you so fucking much Alex that I have made excuse upon excuse for you... I have tried to salvage what we have... I have tried to see... but I am going this time... I am not coming back, not again... You're not going to change and I will never understand." I tugged myself free from Alex, grabbed my bag and ran. He screamed my name, I heard something break inside the flat but I didn't stop to make sure that he was okay. I ran in the opposite direction.

I wasn't sure how I had made it back to the flat or how I had managed to open the front door, all I could remember was seeing the flashing images of the last time I had seen Alex. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my tunnel vision caused me to bump in to pretty much everything as I made my way to the bathroom. Frantically I fumbled around in the cupboard and the draws under the sink, knowing that I had hidden a packet of razor blades in there some where, emergency supplies, just in case.

"Where the hell are you!?" I slammed my healthy fist in to the washbasin. As if answered by god the small box filled with five brand new razor blades fell from its hiding place and on to the floor. "You little buggers!" gently I pulled one out and unwrapped it from the bit of paper that had them individually covered and protected. This time there was no hesitation, no second guessing, no cares of the consequences. I was too wound up to care at all, I needed a quick way to calm down.

As the blade crossed my arm I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. Filling me with the sensation of someone undoing my ribcage with bolt cutters and freeing the lungs.

"Again." the voice whispered, it wasn't harsh, it was comforting. I obeyed. The next breath was even better, I felt my lungs expand and my heart beat calm a little. "Again." the voice was a bit demanding this time, but I obeyed. My eyes were still closed but I was in control, I could feel every inch of my body and the darkness had a way out, out through the gushes in my arm. "Again." _You haven't lost it, you're still in control, another one won't do any harm, it'll make it better, just stay in control._ "Again.". "Again.". "Again." the voice in my head exhorted.

"Draco!" there was sheer panic in Harry's voice. I was sitting propped up against the draws in my bathroom, eyes closed, still holding the razor blade with my right hand.

"I am okay." I said sluggishly.

"We need to get you to the hospital!" Harry started to tug at me but I protested.

"It's fine, it's not so bad."

"Not so bad!" his voice went in to falsetto. "There is blood everywhere, it looks like a blood bath!" I opened my eyes to assess the damage, to see if Harry was over exaggerating or not. It might have been a bit extreme to call it a blood bath but it was definitely a mess.

"There is surgical tape and gauze in the top draw of my desk... in the bedroom... and compresses too if you need it." Harry rushed to his feet and was back within a matter of seconds. I explained to him how to tape up the worst cuts and instructed on the best way to wrap gauze around an arm.

"You seem a bit of an expert on the matter." it was clear that he didn't mean it as a joke, he was merely stating the obvious.

"Yeah, and I didn't go to med. school." I tried to smile a little. _You lost the control, you fool! You stupid, dim witted imbecile! _

"Don't move!" Harry disappeared out through the door again, returning with some of my clean clothes in his hands. "You've got blood everywhere..." I couldn't decide if the tone in his voice was filled with pity or sadness, whichever, I didn't like it.

"It's fine, it's fine." I tried dismissively. Harry didn't argue with me but I hadn't won him over either. Carefully he helped me undress, leaving only my underwear. With a towel that he wet with hot water under the tap he started the process of getting me cleaned up and in to the new clothes. Harry wanted to carry me to the bed but I refused, we we're about the same hight and build so it would probably work but I didn't want to show myself any weaker than I already had.

"How did you get in?" I asked whilst crawling in to the bed.

"The door stood open."

"Oh." in my confused state I must have walked right in and never shut it behind me.

"We'll talk later, get some sleep."

"Please don't go." it shocked me how easily I burst in to tears.

"I won't." Harry climbed in to the bed and cuddled up behind me. With his warm breath on my neck I soon drifted off.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	10. Chapter 10

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Heading back home to Sweden tomorrow, back to normal day to day life, will update as soon as I can :)**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 10

I had completely screwed up my sleeping pattern the last few weeks so waking up and it being dark outside was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Mmhmmm" I stirred.

"You're awake!" Harry sat himself up in the bed and turned my bed side lamp on.

"I think so..." I stretched out with a little purr.

"How are you feeling?" until he asked I had felt pretty okay, but the second the attention had been brought to my well-being I could feel my stomach churn. I didn't want to put myself in the vulnerable position that I was going to have too, I wasn't ready to out myself, but I had to be ready. I had lost control, the only thing that was mine to fuck about with, and of course I had managed to loose it, leaving me no option but to cut myself open and flaunt the rotten inside that was the real.

"Okay. What time is it?" I asked in an attempt to steer Harry of the burning subject.

"7 in the morning."

"Did you manage to get some sleep? Harry shook his head in response. "No?" I felt so bad, I had robbed him of his entire Christmas eve and kept him up all night as well. "What did you do all day... and night?" _You selfish prick! All you care about its yourself and your pitiful feelings._

"I've just sat here and watched you the entire time... I couldn't stop myself from listening out for your next breath...you were... you are, so pale...I was so afraid that you'd die..." my initial reaction to what Harry just said was to head butt the wall. _Selfish, selfish, selfish, seeeeelfish!_

"Go on, do it! That'd show him exactly how fucked up you are... in case he hasn't realised already." the voice in my head was roaring with laughter. _Shut it or I will-. _"Will what? Hurt yourself?"

"I am sorry..." I looked away. "I am so sorry you had to find me... that you had to see me like that..." Harry stroke my cheek with his hand. Worry still shone in his eyes when he looked at me, and it hit me that there was something beautiful about it, his pain, so very fragile.

"I am glad I got here when I did... you were half asleep... or unconscious... what ever it was... it was frightening." he got up and started walking towards the door. "I'll be right back." whilst he was gone I inspected my arm by peering through the gauze, it was definitely worse than I had remembered but the patch work seemed okay. "Here." Harry returned with two cups of tea, handing me one of them before crawling back in to bed.

"I was going to tell you... not just yet... I am trying to quit... it was the worst lash out in a long while though." I still couldn't bare to look him in the eyes.

"I had sort of guessed that something was going on..." he pointed to the bit of the wall where the blood was still visible from my punch-out. "But I didn't want to pry... it was none of my business, however, I think you've just made it."

"Can we wait a little... to talk about it.." my eyes were pleading at him. "Can I finish my tea first?" I grinned a little.

"Okay." he smiled. "On a less serious note then, while you finish your tea, someone called Ashley was messaging you all day yesterday." the smile on his face had turned sly.

"Oh my good! Did you read them!?" I knew that this couldn't be good.

"She kept asking if we'd had sex yet." Harry raised his eyebrow in amusement.

"Oh god!" I hid my face under a pillow. "I told you she had bad timing!" _now he is going to think that all I wanted him for was sex! And that I was bragging about it to my friends! Oh god!_ "It's not what it looks like!" I attempted from underneath the pillow.

"And what does it look like?" the delight in his voice was so obvious.

"I am not trying to objectify you to my friends."

"Good! Neither am I about you." Harry laughed and pulled my shield away from me.

"She is my best friend... and I might have mentioned that I fancy you... she is a bit... keen, when it gets to sex, which one of many reasons to why I love her so much. She is like a sister to me."

"I can't wait to be introduced." he reached out for my, now, empty mug. "Thank you." Harry placed it on the side and looked at me. "I would never force you to tell me anything... know that..." he carefully stroke his hand over my hair. "but I think that this is a good time to do it... I don't have to worry... and you don't have to hide... you can be completely honest with me, from the start..." _why do you have to be so understanding! _It was so new to me, I wasn't use to other people understanding or caring about the fact that I was weak, that I might need time. For me a punch in the face or a battle with disgusting and hurtful words was so much easier to handle, being open and having sympathy for my weakness was something new and very frightening.

"Okay... here we go." I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and simply went for it. "I am a completely fucked up person which talks to himself out loud, hear voices, has internal conversations and arguments with himself and the voices in his head... I am haunted by my past and now also a boyfriends from my past... I hurt myself, I hurt myself a lot... I tried to stop... I nearly killed myself once because I passed out from blood loss... but my ex, then boyfriend, found me and called an ambulance... I was offered help after that but I pretended to be okay... blamed it on a slip up but claimed that I was clean in general..." I avoided to talk about Alex, it was too hard. "I don't know what more to say... I have probably not told you everything... but I dont even know what's wrong with me half of the time, all I know is that I dont feel well... that I am messed up completely and for your own good... not that I want you too... but... you should probably cut and run as soon as you can... I am contaminated and everything I touch eventually rot and dies..." I couldn't look at Harry. It hadn't said much really, but it was more than I had told anyone in one go, ever.

"Why did you break?" Who damaged you? … no one is born ruined... babies are born pure, then other people come along and destroy everything beautiful in you... so who took you and brought you down with them?" It was as if he had been studying 'how humans emotionally kill each other', he was so factual when he spoke. Factual and caring. "And also, what do you mean with 'and now also a boyfriend from your past'?"

"I broke because I am weak..."

"That's not true... the only reason why you'd be weak is if you've been weighed down for a long while, with more and more weight added on to your shoulders... you would bend... become weak and eventually snap."

"He is too kind to you... you really don't deserve it!" the voice in my head was awake. I tried to ignore it, but it was hard. The voice was strong today, empowered by my fragile state.

"It's a mix between my father and Alex... like I told you the other day, my dad only wants high end things... obviously this applies to me too... I have to be perfect, because that what he wants and what he expects of me... and Alex." I didn't know why tears spilled over the edges of my eyes but it made me angry. _Fuck! You! Stupid! Fucking! Tears! And! Fucking! Disgusting! Feelings!_ "Alex is the ex that I told you about. The one where no one actually broke up... The last time I was with him we had a huge fight because I'd had enough of our situation... he punched me in the face... and the force made me fall down the stairs..."

"And now he is back to get you! I wonder what it feels like to fall down the stairs outside ... these aren't carpeted like the others were!" the evil voice sniggered. _I am going to kill you! _"You've already tried... and failed quite badly... apart from that one time, I'll give you that one." _Shut up! I am trying to concentrate on what's /actually/ going on. _"You know what, Alex is kind of sexy though, dont you think?" the image of Alex sleeping in what used to be our shared bed started to flash in front of my eyes. _Go away!_ I closed my eyes and started to punch my fists against my forehead. _Go away! Go away! Go away! _I chanted silently. "I know that you never stopped loving him, it's just what you're trying to tell yourself. Because you're scared. Chicken!"

"Draco?" Harry had taken my arms in his hands, stopping me from any further acts of head punching.

"Sorry..."

"What happened?" he looked concerned.

"I don't really want to talk about Alex." Alex's face, plastered with a blissful smile, came in to vision again. He was sitting next to me on the grass, looking out over a field on a summers evening, and when he smiles he slowly ran his fingers through his beautiful hair. "It stirs up too much... stuff..."

"What do you mean by saying that he is back from the past?"

"I saw him yesterday... he spoke to me... when I was at the shop. That's why I freaked out. He said that he was thinking of moving up here... that he was probably going to go to uni here... to /our/ uni... he said that he had missed me." we were interrupted by my the sounds of my ringing phone, and the song playing also told me who was calling. I ignored it.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" Harry mumbled, still holding my hands.

"It's just my mum, I can call her back later."

"You should answer, maybe its important." he reached over to the side table where my phone was buzzing away, grabbed it and handed it over to me.

"Merry Christmas darling!" my mum's voice was too chirpy for my current state of mind.

"Merry Christmas, mum."

"Did I wake you?"

"No, it's okay." she chatted about the usual boring stuff for a few minutes whilst I was impatiently rolling my eyes at Harry. But then she suddenly said something that nearly made me choke on my own saliva.

"Did Alex ring you?"

"Did Alex what!?" I nearly shouted at her through the phone.

"I bumped in to him the other day when I was doing a bit of food shopping, such a lovely you man, handsome too. What a shame the two of you had to break up."

"Get to the point mum, what did he want?" my hands broke in to a sweat and I started to feel a bit nauseous. I never told my parents what Alex had done to me, or what we had done to each other, how poisonous our relationship had been.

"He said that he had something that belonged to you, and he was very adamant that you'd want it back so I gave him your number."

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	11. Chapter 11

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: Still haven't been 100% happy with how Draco's internal debates has been portrayed. Italics is till Draco's "voice" and from now on I will be using 'these' when **_**THE**_** voice is talking back to him in his head. Haha I can never make my mind up, sorry xD**

**a bit short this one but time really isn't on my side.**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 11

I spend another ten minutes trying to extract any further information out of my mum regarding Alex, but she had none so I finished the call by promising that I'd visit soon.

"So your mum gave Alex your number?" Harry asked after only hearing my side of the conversation.

"Yes... stupid cow!"

"You never told them about what he did to you, right?"

"No, I never told them what /we/ did to each other."

"Did you hurt him too?" Harry didn't seem to find the idea very likely.

"Not physically... but I was mean... Just like he knew how to hurt me, I knew how to hurt him... I knew exactly what buttons to push if I wanted a reaction, in case I needed one... We would emotionally blackmail each other... but he was worse... especially in the end... although I cant blame him for all the abuse... I was the one who initially sought him out for that particular reason, him amongst other me." for some reason the information was spilling out of me uncontrollably. "Before I started to cut myself I had other ways to self harm... I would find men online, meet up with them and have sex, let them have sex with me... This is going to sounds weird coming from a guy... I am going to sound like such a silly girl, but the truth is that since I was about fifteen I've never really liked who I am, not just physically, that can always be changed... if I actually tried, but... I just felt like a huge disappointment to the world and my parents... I was no one in particular, there was, and still is, nothing special about me, I had no talent for anything, I was normal. So by the time I reached seventeen I took to the internet, full of hate and anger, not realising it was simply a way of covering up the fear and disappointment of not being good enough. Seeking out men to have senseless, detached sex with. It was perfect, the terrifying subject of being rejected was never an issue since all either of us wanted was sex, and I could provide that. I would never see the same bloke twice... because they all had their own way of doing things, their own way of fucking me, their own way of damaging me without even knowing it themselves." I paused to breath for a few seconds, carefully studying Harry's reaction but he was not letting me have anything. "This went on for a few years, sometimes it'd be five times a week and other times a month would pass before I ended up in someone's bed. Until I met Alex. The sex was just as carefree and destructive as always, but it was afterwards, he took an interest in me... not me as in my body, he was curious about who was hiding behind the screwed up shell called Draco... he saw himself in me." I closed my eyes and remembered. Alex rock hard outside, the stern face that soon turned in to the gentle and sensitive guy that I fell head over heels for.

'You had a connection... remember! You were equals!' the voice in my head whispered to me whilst I was reliving our first meeting. 'Remember what he told you before you left that night?' _Yes I remember, and I don't need you to remind me! _'You're special... there is something very unique trapped in there. That's what he told you... remember!' _I do remember! So, shut up! _'And I know why you fell for him, why he understood you... Alex was as fucked up as you... you fell for your equal... you fell in love with yourself!' the voice was laughing hysterically, images from different times with Alex were once again flashing in front of my eyes, leaving me distant from the real world for a moment. _I am not like Alex! I will never be! I would never do the things he has done! You cant compare us!_ It was all so vivid and real, I swore I could feel his touch, his warm and slightly humid breath against my neck, the smell of his skin, his perfume, his scent.

"Sorry!" I tried to shake the images and the voice away.

"You saw things again, right?" Harry appeared concerned.

"Relived. I don't look in to the future." I smiled gently.

"The pressure from your dad can't have helped with your self esteem?"

"I guess not, no... I am sorry I can't tell you everything in one go, I'd probably make the worst author in history but it's all too much to go on..." I knew what memories hadn't been stirred up too much as of yet. The film like ones, the ones that you experience and watch from the sideline even though you are the main character. Those memories had not yet forced themselves on to my retina, and I was not eager for them to do so.

"It's okay. We can continue later, some other day, or whenever it feels right. If you see him when we are out though, will you point him out to me please."

"Oh, you will notice if I see him." I laughed.

"Change of topic!" Harry said with a cheeky grin on his face. "If you can drag that sassy butt of yours out of bed I've got a little surprise for you." his grin only grew by each word he spoke.

"Why not in bed!" I protested playfully.

"Because I need a tea!" he laughed and got up and left me alone in the bedroom.

'He is still too good to be true. You certainly don't deserve him." I decided to ignore the declaration and followed Harry out in to the living room.

"One for you, and one for me." he placed another cup of tea in my hand. "Sit." he demanded. I sat. "The main reason why I went home yesterday, apart from feeding my birds, was to get this." he held up a little box shaped parcel, wrapped in Christmasy paper.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Why don't you open it." he handed it to me.

"Is it for me?"

"Duuh!"

"Sorry." I blushed.

'He got you a gift, you didn't get him anything. You suck!' _fuck off!_ But I knew the voice was right, he had thought of getting me something, the idea hadn't even crossed my mind.

"Stop apologising!" he sat down next to me on the sofa and kissed me gently before letting me proceed with the present opening. With eager fingers I unwrapped the pretty paper, undoing tape by tape until only the white box separated me and the gift inside. Carefully I flipped the lid off and when I realised what lay before my eyes I could hardly believe what I was seeing.

"The cuffs from the market..." I said, still partially stunned.

"I hope you don't think they are too tacky... I just thought that you really liked them... so I went back and got them after we had said good bye."

"I love them!" I picked them up and read the inscriptions out loud. "I'll keep you safe." I handed that one over to Harry. With my heart hammering away in excitement, knowing what was coming I read the second inscription. "Locked up in my heart." I placed the latter cuff around my wrist and smiled widely at Harry. "Thank you." The gesture had been so incredible sweet and I couldn't stop looking down at my wrist. To the public it was a way for me, for us, to show that we belonged to one another, that what we felt for each other was worth showing off. And to me, apart from being a declaration of love, it felt like a hospital band, stating that everything wasn't right. Confirming that I was damaged and hostage in my own heart. "Ehrm..." shyly I looked up at Harry. I cleared my throat. "Is it okay if I call you my boyfriend?" I kept my eyes at the bracelet, fidgeting with it whilst waiting for his response.

"On one condition." his voice was serious. I looked up and met his eyes. There was a fire in them too, but unlike Alex's eyes, this fire was not meant to burn and destroy, this one was warm and homely. "On the condition that I can call you /my/ boyfriend." his stone face cracked up and in to a huge grin.

"Bastard!" I threw myself at him with a laugh, smothering him with kisses.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	12. Chapter 12

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: This one is a bit special to me, personal if you'd like. Maybe a bit slow but, hey-ho :D **

**I am sorry its a bit short but I want to get this out before I go back to uni on Monday.**

**Please enjoy!**

Chapter 12

"So, what are we cooking?" Harry smiled from the kitchen table where he was sat watching me. Christmas had passed by quietly. We had remained in each others company, trapping ourselves in my flat for the greater parts of the holiday, and now it was just a few days left until my friends would return for the new semester. Ashley was still bugging me about the fact that we hadn't fucked yet.

"You mean what am /I/ cooking?" I laughed.

"Well, yes. What are /you/ cooking"

"Chicken casserole."

"Ah that's quite disappointing. I was hoping you'd say reindeer casserole." the smirk on Harry's face was incredibly sexy and made something at the pit of my stomach, and slightly below, tingle.

"That does sound lovely, shame we missed the opportunity to take one down with Christmas just gone and all." I said trying to keep my face straight.

"I hope you're joking." after what seemed like a moment of consideration he continued. "I'd try it for sure. Elf casserole too. Only the naughty elves would go into the casserole though, the one's that were rude to father Christmas."

"Eww! Way to far!" I cringed. "Come here you nasty thing!" I walked over to Harry who still sat on the table. I let my middle and index finger walk from the bottom of his belly up along his neck and to his lips. Slowly I traced the outline of his mouth and took in the beautiful sight in front of me, desperately urging to kiss him.

"Why are you not snogging me?" he mumbled with a weak smile.

"You're so beautiful."

"Is my beauty stopping you from making out with me? I know I am ravishing and all that but please, you're not the only one with urges!" he put on a self-confident look and I knew that the only way to wash it off was to fulfil his wishes. "Do you ever talk to anyone about how you feel" I pulled back.

"Ehrr... what?" _did he just interrupt an incredibly tense moment to ask me about my feelings?!_

"Or should I ask, have you always bottled things up?"

"What the hell Harry, you're such a cock blocker!" I moaned.

"Sorry." he didn't seem sorry at all. "But now you can answer my question."

"As you wish." with a sigh I pulled out a chair and sat down by the table. "I used to have this friend back where I am from... We would chat and text a lot. Talk about how things were, how we felt, life, all those kind of things that I'd normally bottle up and keep to myself. Talk about those things that would turn out really ugly if didn't let them out in time...This was during the early days of my sleeping around era. After having this /relationship/ with her for quite a few months she suddenly moved away, because her parents broke up..."

"What's her name?"

"Beatrice... The week before they moved she promised me that nothing would change by her going away, we'd still text just like we always did. Beatrice and her mum were moving to her grandmothers place, and as she had put it, if her grandmother's house was how she remembered it from last time she was there, three years ago, she'd need someone to talk about everything and nothing more than ever..." I tried really hard to hold back how much it had hurt me that her words had just been that, words, and not the reality. "This is quite a few years ago now, nearly ten... we spoke on the 24th of February until the early morning hours, just like we always did... on the 25th I sent a text with a comment about something I saw on her facebook, but no reply. I waited a day or so and messaged her again but no answer. The 10th of March I messaged her yet again but no reply, the same happened on the 22nd and 24th. The message I sent Beatrice on the 14th of April she replied to two days later, but nothing more. I stopped bugging her shortly after that, missing our conversations a lot but I took the absence of her replies as a sign that she no longer desired or required to talk to me..." it was hard for me to talk about this, but the fact that I had remembered the dates things occurred, or not occurred in this case, proved how important she had been to me. I had never said it out loud before, I had never put words to the abandonment that I had felt. At the time I had thought that I could handle the situation but it had handled me. Leaving me alone again with my feelings, leaving me to fend for myself against the brutes online, only wanting me for one thing. I snapped back to the reality that was Harry and continued. "She messaged me once in May, apologising about a dead battery and something about being busy in her new school. I felt rejected... since then I have been keeping everything to myself really... until I met Ashley. She has helped a lot... she is a good listener, funny and she really understands me... weirdly enough, people don't usually... Ashley is lovely to talk to... Somehow she manages put words to the things I feel... things that I cant even explain to myself.."

"And me now, you've got me too. You know that you can always talk to me, right."

"Yes, thank you." I took his hand in mine.

"This question might be a bit random... but... have you ever tried to kill yourself?" Harry ran his thumb along one of my fading, but slightly raised scars, still holding my hand.

Once... I wanted to off myself once..." I studied Harry's face, waiting for him to react to the fact that I had /actually/ been suicidal, but he gave nothing away. "Well, I don't know if I genuinely wanted to die... it happened about half way through my relationship with Alex... it's hard to explain what I felt... When I cut... I aim for that final place, the final place that will give me peace... but even when everything around me is painful... I don't want to leave it behind, because I am scared, because there are a few things in life that I don't want to loose... yet I want to get as close as I possibly can to that state of bliss, stretch my limits, my boundaries... I want to eat the cake and keep the cake... so to speak... and that one time I was so upset that I didn't mind taking that extra step towards my sanctuary." I took a firm grip around his thumb and ran it along a very distinctive scar. "I am sorry about all this... I don't have a right to bother you with my self-involved shit..."

"But /I /want to know all about your self-involved shit!" Harry smiled at me. "I am sorry all this happened to you... that you had to go through all of these things."

"I guess everything happens for a reason." I shrugged and stood up to return to the chicken.

"I used to believe in everything happens for a reason. I just can't do that any more... not since what happened with Dan." a shadow of grief crossed Harry's face before he continued. "I believe in making the best of where ever you find yourself, and trying to appreciate how everything that's happened had to happen, however unfairly the cards seem to have been dealt sometimes... like I probably wouldn't have met you if it wasn't for Dan's accident... I'd love to be able to believe that everything happens for a reason. It's very reassuring..." he seemed to consider something for a split second, then continued with a chuckle. "I believe in the infinite possibilities of the universe. It's a close second."

"Can we have a quiet night tonight, just lay in bed and cuddle?" I tried in an attempt to steer away from the topic of my well being and past.

"You mean like every night for the past two weeks?" Harry pressed his grinning lips against mine and for a few moments everything around me disappeared. There was not a care in the world, all I wanted and could feel was how badly I needed him.

"That was on the sofa... I want to cuddle /in bed/." I helped his hand to my crotch, showing him exactly how much I wanted him.

TBC,

feel free to leave a review :)


	13. Chapter 13

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N:**** Some parts might seem a bit, short and not so descriptive, but be patient, you cant have it all at once ;) whats the point in continuing otherwise :P Haha! Sorry for the delay, I promise you I wont ever give up the story, but there will be times where it takes a while for a new chapter, as i am back at uni and full time studies.**

**Now, please enjoy!**

Chapter 13

"What do you find most attractive about me?" Harry asked quietly. I was laying with my head on his chest, silently listening to the beats of his heart.

"Everything."

"Come on! What about me really gets to you?" he pushed.

"I want to say your eyes..."

"But?"

"Well..." I hesitated. "It has become such a cliché, but I find that the eyes truly are the window to your soul... unless you are very good at manipulation your intentions are displayed at the bottom of your eyes, all you have to do is look. I love eyes, they are beautiful and honest, if they try to deceive I can tell... the reason I don't want to say that the part I love the most about you are your eyes is because for me the fascination of eyes has turned into something filthy." whilst talking I ran my finger over Harry's belly and in underneath his shirt.

"So if not the eyes, what do you like?"

'He is way too kind to you... he'd let you off with murder as long as you'd blame your past!'_ So, what does that matter to you!? Really, how he treats me its none of your fucking business, as long as he is nice, as long as he doesn't try to hurt me, as long as he means well._

"Can I say your personality?" I asked.

"So I turn you on by being nice?"

"No-, I mean yes-, I mean sort of..."

"What do you mean Draco?" he giggled

"I mean that it's /you/ that turn me on, the way you are you, the way you smile, the way you run your hand through your hair, the way you sit on a chair. There are so many little details about you that turn me on, and they all turn me on because they add up to you."

"Thats so sweet Draco!" Harry lifted my head up towards his and met me in a deep kiss.

"Can you get high on love?" I said, feeling as if my brain was afloat in my head.

"Probably! On arousal I am sure though!" he grinned as he slowly steered my hand towards his crotch, showing me that we felt the same way.

"Then I know what it's like." I whispered, rolling over so I was laying on top of Harry with my belly against his. "I dont know why I have been holding myself... us back... I just want this, us, sex, love, to be something pretty, something that I can feel good about... I dont want it to be soulless and angsty.

"I get it, just-" he hushed me by placing his lips against mine, meeting me in an intense kiss. A kiss that soon turned into ferocious clawing at clothes and tugging at what ever we could get our greedy hands on. For too long I had been at the mercy of my own two hands, having to settle with myself as the only point of pleasure. Now I was more than ready to succumb to Harry's every move and touch. Even the devious voice in my head was quiet, even the voice had been starved, it was ready.

When Harry initially closed his hand around me it was like diving head first into a pool of ice water. I gasped for air and my hands had reached out for Harry, knotting his hair in between my fingers.

"Are you sure you're read-"

"Just shut up and take me!" I growled with an aroused grin playing on my face. My words seem to have worked its magic, Harry's hands were flying over my body, eager to touch and caress every inch of my skin. Within a matter of minutes my shirt was thrown on to the floor, and soon my trousers and socks had accompanied it. Laying with only my boxers as some kind of cover I could't help but to feel exposed. Naked and exposed. Suddenly consious about my scars and all the ugly scuffs littering my skin, I reached for my duvet and pulled it over me.

"Are you cold?"

"Mhmmm..." I said, trying not to lie.

"You know how beautiful you are, right?" he knew. "You are so damn sexy and attractive that I feel like I am about to pass out. Every millimetre of you is so gorgeous." he fell silent and let his fingers run over the old cuts. "Every." he moved his hand further along my skin. "Single." it kept moving. "Bit." following his hand he scooted down and kissed the base of my cock. Continuing on the quiet route he let his lips lead the way up the shaft, and when he wrapped his lips around the head I had to stop myself from letting out a loud moan. Up and down he worked with skillful lips, taking me deep down his throat. I was desperately trying to let my self loose, to cut off all the strings that were stopping me from succumbing to my inner animal. But suddenly it was as if something inside me broke, something snapped and the previously tame beast had escaped its confining cage. Blinded by ferocity I grabbed hold of Harry's hair. I forced him deeper down my erection, helping him bob his head up and down a few times as I simultaneously thrust my hips back and forth, penetrating his throat to a maximum. Before Harry got a chance to protest I yanked him off me, rolled around, leaving me on top and in charge. Confusion because of the sudden change of mood and character shone in his eyes, but greed and excitement hid there too. Quite viciously we fell in to what could definitely have been considered a kissing frenzy, saliva everywhere and hands vigorously clawing at everything getting in their way.

"Draco, please fuck me!" Harry panted as we paused for air for a short second. For the matter of a moment I felt how the insecure and locked up Draco surfaced again. I was normally the receiver, I was the one who wanted the pain, I was the one who needed someone to control my life for the time being. It wasn't as if I didn't know how too, it had simply taken me aback that I wasn't the victim, I was in control over the situation for the first time in what felt like forever. It required a serious amount of willpower but the moment of insecurity passed and the animal was back.

Leaning over the side of the bed I rummaged through my bed side table and soon I felt the tube of lube under my hand. With a good blotch of lube on Harry and some covering my fingers I started to work on him, prepare him for what was about to come, still teasing the head of his cock with my free hand. Repeatedly I had to mentally pinch myself to understand that this was actually happening, right then in my bed, with a guy that I actually loved. I couldn't help but to simply enjoy the feeling of my two fingers sliding in and out of him, meeting just the right amount of resistance. Reality was once againn thrown upon me as Harry tugged at my hand to stop.

"Did I hurt yout?" I felt panic surge through me, emerging from the pit of my stomach.

"No, on the contraty, I am about to die from some kind of pleasure induced braindamage." Harry grinner at me before turning over, on to his stomach. "Now, I beg you, please fuck me!" he crawled up on all four and wiggled his bum in my direction.

"You naughty little!" I growled, placing one hand on each bum cheek. His skin felt firm and so amazing under my palms, all I wanted was to squeeze them hard, spread them apart, study the intoxicating view beneath me.

It was over in what seemed like less than a heartbeat. Harry had cried in ecstatic filled pleasure, the contortions from the area that had surrounded my erection had driven me far beyond the point of climax. We had both unloaded what felt like unrealistic amounts of come and ended up in a heap of body parts on my bed. Panting.

"Why haven't wet we done this earlier?" I asked, still breathing heavily.

"You didn't want to?" his answer was more of a question than an answer.

"It's not that I didn't want to... I was just... I was scared that it'd be bad. I mean... I didn't think that it would be physically bad, but bad for me, bad for my head... sorry I don't make sense." I tried looking away but he had me fixed with his eyes.

"Was it bad?"

"No... It was amazing!" I hoped he could see me shining, because the experience had left me feeling radiant. "So... you like being a receiver?" I asked, not really thinking much about what i was asking.

"Normally I wouldn't... or, what I am trying to say is that... previously I have been the dominant one." he made quotation marks in the air around his head as he said the word dominant. "I have only been on the receiving end a hand full of times. But I had a hunch that today was not the day for me to be the one in control.

"Thank you... did I ever mention-"

"No, no you didn't... not straight out... but the way you have told me about letting men abuse you through sex... I thought that..." his words died out.

"Thanks again... I really mean it." I leaned forward about two inches until our lips met.

"I love you..."

"I love you too..." we stayed silent, looking at each other for minutes. "It sucks that it's all back to reality now." I muttered.

"Back to school." he sighed. "This Christmas has been too good. It's been like a dream... when does your flat mates return?"

"Tomorrow, it is Sunday tomorrow, right?" I asked, feeling confused with the days all merging in to one long thing.

"Yes, Sunday tomorrow. Uni starts on Monday."

"Urgh! Monday..." I sighed.

"I will miss you so much... I will miss being able to simply roll over and kiss you..." Harry complained.

"You can still stay here as much as you want... I live so much closer to the university than you anyway so it would be logical for you to stay here."

"That would be great... although I will have to figure out what to do with my birds... and I think that I should go home to study, or it'll never happen. Not when I got you within arms reach." he giggled with a grin.

"Good point." I laughed. "But you will stay to meet the others tomorrow?"

"If you want me to?"

"I think it'd be best, especially since I am hoping that you'll be around alot. All three of them know about... my preferences, so it wont be a problerm." I smiled.

TBC,

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	14. Chapter 14

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is Harry Potter related, I don't mean any disrespect against J.K. or the original story. Thank you Jo for everything, thank you for being an incredible inspiration!_

**A/N: My spellchecker is behaving worse than a three year old child. I apologise for any obvious mistakes that I didn't notice. **

**Please enjoy :)**

Chapter 14

"Flora, darling!" I flew up from the sofa and ran to the door where I flung myself around the neck of my female flatmate.

"Draco! How's the holiday been?" she kissed me on the cheek with a smile.

"Good, spend all my time here pretty much." I wasn't sure if she had heard anything about Harry, the only one I had spoke to was Theo.

"I have heard rumours." she winked at me.

"So Theo couldn't keep his mouth shut, could he." I laughed. "Harry is in the livingroom." without a word she dropped her handbag on top of her suitcase which already lay flat on the floor, before darting past me and in to meet Harry.

"Hi! I am Flora! It's so nice to meet you!" I heard her fluttery voice coming from the tv area. Keen to make sure Harry wasn't left alone with her for more than a few seconds I walked back to them. As they came in to view I saw that Harry was embraced by Flora and her long auburn hair lay like a curtain across his shoulder. Flora and I ended up in a loud and very girly conversation, wild gesturing, hands flying and extreme laughters, that were a bit over the top, were bouncing between the walls of our flat.

"Honey, I am home!" Vince called as he swung the front door open.

"VINCE!" Flora squealed. She took my hand in hers and together we skipped like school girls out to the hall to greet our friend. The already loud conversation rapidly grew in audacity, and the arrival of Theo sure didn't make it any better. For what felt like only half an hour but evidently turned out to be all evening the flat was buzzing with voices. I was flying around between each friend worse than a kangaroo on ecstasy, joining in different conversations and making sure that everyone had a good time.

"It's been so nice to meet you all but I really should head off to bed now, my first lecture is redicelosuly early." with those words Harry stood up and started to head towards the bedroom.

"I won't be long!" I called after him, but soon my promise was forgotten and lost in the flood of conversation.

The bathroom floor was cold, so was the wall. Cool white tiles, hard and uncomfortable. The lamp above me was spewing out light but the rest of the flat lay quiet and dark, all the others were since long fast asleep.

'You know you aren't funny, right! You try so fucking hard to be someone, something! It doesn't work though! Can't you see that you fail, every time you fall flat on your ugly bum! Disgusting!' _I know, you don't have to tell me... there is no need to remind me... I know that all I do is talk a whole lot of shit!_ I felt no need to neither argue nor disagree with myself today, because everything was true. I have big headed conversations with my friends, I try to be funny, I try to be like the others, I try to be normal. But I can't. All I do was embarrass myself. 'I know you love your to hear yourself talk' the voice sneered. I had started to rock back and forth every so slightly, bashing the back of my head against the tiled wall every time I leant backwards. 'It will help' the voice whispered, and its tone was sickeningly sweet. 'You know it will make you feel so much better... it'll help you sleep'. The back of my head hit the tiles harder and harder, helping me resist the urge. Though, it didn't help enough. The feeling of disgust over how I had acted, the disappointment of the setback of how well I had done being myself around Harry but couldn't manage one second around others, that mixed with the extrem self loath that I felt. It was too overpowering.

"Harry!" it was the first time ever that I had genuinely tried to fight back the urge to hurt myself, normally I would eventually have caved in. "Harry!" my hands were shaking and beads of sweat were forming on my forehead.

"Mhmmm" he stirred.

"Harry!" I was desperate. My right hand had closed around my left wrist and my nails were digging deep in to my skin.

"Go to sleep, I am not too happy with you." he muttered sleepily. Shot down and dismissed I didn't bother any longer, I needed to let it out. I had to let the demons loose. The door to the bedroom shut behind me and blinded my a storm of emotions I made my way back to the bathroom. I couldn't even remember finding a razor blade.

"Draco!" the door swung open and a very slumberous Harry staggered in to the bright lit bathroom. The blad was kissing my skin, all it'd take me was one swift movement.

For over and hour I was laying wrapped up in Harry's arms on the floor, crying. He had managed to talk me away from the razor blade, managed to get me to snap back to reality. Thats when I had broken down. Shaking uncontrollably, heaving in panic, and sobbing like there was no tomorrow. I had tried to tell him what had happen, what had triggered me and how sorry I was for being a complete arse. But he had hushed me. It wasn't until the trembling and the sobbing had seized that he spoke.

"What happened?"

"I am so disgusted by myself... I am so embarrased about how I behaved... I was being a complete freak!" the sickening feeling in my stomach had returned.

"What do you mean? You were happy to see your friends, there is nothing wrong with that." Harry's hand caressed my cheek.

"Why do I have to act all loud and nutty?! It's not who I am!" just thinking about it made me angry.

"So why do you? If you feel that it's not you? … And you know Draco, it is okay to feel all bubbly and happy about things."

"I can be a bubbly person... but most of the time its just an act... an act that I put on for the reason that I want to be accepted... I don't want to expose all that lay beneath surface of me. The crazy and nutty side of me is a decoy, décor and a defence. I don't want to be _one of the cool kids, _I really don't, they are normally awefully shallow and thats the oposite to who I am and what i feel... yet it's so much easier to be like others than be myself..." I looked at him, tried to figure out whether to go on or not, but as he didn't stop me I continued. "Too many times in the past have I let people in and just ended up in pain... I don't want to have to sit here every again with just needle and thread, desperatly trying to puzzle myself back together again."

"I understand what you mean... and Draco, know that I love you for who you are. Over the past few weeks I've seen the real you and I cant tell you that I love it so much!".

A few weeks passed and the day to day life became normal, slightly dull and had turned in to some what of a hamster wheel routine. If Harry had stayed the night we'd wake up, kiss good morning, I would shower, eat breakfast, spend the day at university, go home, eat, fuck, sleep. If Harry didn't spend the night I'd do the same, minus the kiss and the fuck. Grey, dull clouds was filling me up inside, making me fell emontionlly numb, shielded against the world and its glory. The only thing giving me any happiness and satisfacion was my moments with my boyfriend, he knew how to lure the real me out from the shadows within.

"Morning darling!" Flora said as she leant forward and gave me a good squeeze.

"Morning Flora." I muttered, not even bothering looking up from the depths of my cup of tea.

"Whats up?" she seemed concerned about me.

"Nothing, I am just tired. You seem very chirpy today." I tried, steering the conversation away from myself.

"I've got a date today!" she smiled.

"I hope he is nice!" my voice was stern, I felt that I might have come across a bit like a warning father.

"Oh he is so lovely! He doesn't act like he is better than me or any one else, he is not pushy or anything like that, he is okay with taking it at my pace. And even better, he is in my course! So I see him nearly every day and yet he hasn't slipped up or shown any signs of... you know."

"You go girl!" her news genuinely made me feel so happy for her that I had to get up from my chair and hug her. Flora had in the past year, just like I used to, get myself attached to the wrong kind of men. Men that would treat her like she was worthless. They'd abuse her body and her feelings, and she'd always blame herself. So I was glad that she had hopefully found someone better this time. "You deserve someone amazing, because you're amazing!" I kissed her on the forehead before letting her go.

"Thank you for being my best friend." she squeezed my hand quickly before waltzing away to the kitchen.

"She seemed happy." Harry came around the corner.

"Yeah, she's got a date today, apparently. I hope it's a good guy." I sighed, knowing too well how much of a bad-boy magnet Flora was.

"How long have you been up for?" Harry wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"About an hour, maybe a bit longer... I am not sure."

"But it's Saturday... I want cuddles in bed." he whispered, nuzzling my ear.

"I don't know why but when I get the chance to have a lay in, and if I take it... I end up getting what feels like an anxiety attack... so I got up instead. Rather tired than all angsty.

TBC,

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